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27
SABRINA
It’s two weeks after Christmas, and I’m putting the finishing touches onOpus,the third formula of my hybrid party drug. This one is for concerts. It has the highest concentration of LSD to make music sound phenomenal. Adrik and I tested it out at a live show of Cannons in a tiny dive bar in Danilovsky.
The night started out horribly. We got doused in freezing rain waiting to go inside. Adrik and I were both soaked to the skin, my makeup running down my face, stinging my eyes. Inside the venue was packed, standing room only around the stage.
I hadn’t realized there wouldn’t be any seats, so I was wearing thigh-high suede boots with staggering heels. I didn’t know the band that well, only that it was my cousin Anna’s favorite. I almost said we should go home right then, but Adrik and I had already taken theOpusand I needed to try it out at a real live event.
Seeing how hard I was shivering, Adrik bribed the bouncers to let us into the upper balcony, which was supposed to be for season-ticket holders only. There were two seats free, right against the railing. We sat down and ordered a drink. Adrik put his arm around me, holding me close against his side until heat radiated from his body into mine.
The whole venue warmed up fast, once it was packed with people. A sea of heads bobbed below us. The stage set looked more like a play than a rock concert—the facade resembled a café in Paris, working windows with shutters, flowers in the planter boxes, and vines dangling down from the roof.
The opener came onstage—another artist I’d never heard of. He was Russian, and I could only catch about half of what he was calling out to the crowd, despite all the studying I’ve been doing in my off-hours. Their goddamn language is so difficult to learn, especially with how fast people speak and the various regional accents. This guy sounded southern, maybe from Belarus like Jasper.
As his backing track began to play—a lovely rhythmic remix of an old Temptations song—I felt theOpuskicking in hard. Video screens illuminated behind him, pulses of color flowing like waves of lava in sunset colors of pink, orange, and peach. The venue was warm, Adrik’s arm even warmer around my shoulders. The music seemed to float up to me in waves. I could see it, edged with color and light. The sound-waves washed over me, over and over with each repetition of the chorus.
“Spasibo shto vi preshli na segodnyashniy vecher. Nadeyus vi poluchite udovol'stiviye ot uslishannovo,”the performer called to the crowd.
Thank you for coming tonight … we’re here to feel something together.
In that moment, I felt deeply linked to every person in the room. We were all swaying to the music, our hands in the air. Even though I could only understand half the song, I felt every word of it, every emotion. I felt the humanity of the performer. The spark of life inside him, calling out to the spark of life in all of us.
I turned to Adrik. His mouth was open like mine, his eyes a vivid, liquid blue.
“What the fuck …” he whispered.
Neither of us had to say anything else. We both knew what we were feeling, together at the same time. Our minds buoyant on the music, linked to each other like we were holding hands, floating down a river together.
My body relaxed. I was peaceful and so happy I could have cried if I knew how to let myself do it.
When the performer finished, he threw money into the crowd, the bills floating down like the night Adrik and I made a blizzard out of the Markov’s money. It probably wasn’t much—maybe $100 or $200 in American dollars, but the message was clear—he was giving back to his fans, sharing his success with them. It made me want to do the same. I wanted to be generous and open, sharing what I have with strangers just for the joy of it.
Then Cannons came onstage, and I heard the first refrain of the song that Anna plays incessantly. The one that will always make me think of her.
Love Chained—Cannons
I’d heardthe song dozens of times, driving in her car or watching her dance. But I’d never heard it like this. I felt like I was drifting through time, through a haze of memories that came clear and then faded away again like buildings in fog.
I saw Anna laughing with Leo in the front seat of his car, his arm slung across the back of her seat. I saw Leo watching her dance in their high school gymnasium, Anna standing out from the other girls not only because of her sheaf of white-blonde hair and her black-painted lips, but because of that inimitable grace she possesses that won’t let you tear your eyes off her. Leo certainly couldn’t. I saw how the two of them always sat together at every family dinner, how Leo’s gift was always her favorite at her birthday parties, how they always seemed to be smiling at each other at some private joke I could never understand, not only because I was so much younger, but because no one could understand the secrets the two of them shared.
I finally understood the hopeless longing in that song. I understood that Anna loved Leo all her life, long before either of them knew it. She was chained to him and always would be.
This was her siren song to him. She played it over and over and over, calling out to him. Begging him to see her, all of her.
I looked at Adrik and I thought,There’s so many other people he loves. His parents, his brother, the Wolfpack. Could he ever love me like Anna does Leo? Like they’re the only two people in the world?
Do I even deserve that …
Adrik touched my cheek with his hand.
“You’re a fucking genius,” he said. “I’ve never felt anything like this.”
It was true—theOpuswas powerful.
Maybe too powerful. My chest was so tight I could hardly breathe. Too many emotions all at once.
I’ve dialed back the dosage just a touch. Now it’s manageable. Anyone can take it without having a breakdown at a concert. People don’t want too many epiphanies, not when they’re trying to have fun.
