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And most of all, when Troy hugged her hard around the legs as she told him goodnight at the base of the stairs for the last time. When he said, his voice muffled against her, “I wish we could stay in your house forever. I wish I could bake cookies with you and toast marshmallows and make the beginning part for the fire and play with the cars. I wish I could have my attic.”
She crouched down and gathered him in. The tears really threatened then, with his warm little body pressing against hers, all the vulnerability in it and all the trust. She loved him so much, her heart ached. Her hand smoothed over his hair, which needed cutting—she could have taken him, but it wasn’t her job—and said, “You can come over on the weekend and bake cookies with me anytime. If your dad says it’s OK.”
“But it won’t be thesame,”Troy said. “It won’t be my bedroom anymore, and my clothes aren’t here anymore, or my toys, and my Spongebob sheets aren’t even here, so it’s not even my bed!”
Janey said, “It was never your bedroom. That’s just silly. Andallour things are in our real house, not just a few things. Our life can be normal!”
“It’s not silly,” Troy said, standing up for himself for once. “It’s my feelings, and Ms. Hernandez says your feelings are important.”
“Not if they’rewrong,”Janey said. “You should be happy! This should be your happiest day all year!”
“I’mnothappy, though,” Troy said. “I’m sad! Because I love Quinn, and I don’t get to see her every day anymore!”
“Right,” Beckett said, the lines beside his eyes deeper than ever, because he was clearly so tired and feeling so harassed. “Time for bath and bed.”
Quinn hugged Troy one more time, then let him go. It was so hard to take her arms away. “I love you, too,” she told him, although it wasn’t easy to talk with her chest this tight. “And I’ll miss you just as much. I’ll miss your hugs, for sure. You’ll have to give me extra ones when I see you on the weekends. And it will feel better soon. You’ll see.”
“No, it won’t.” Troy was crying again. “Itwon’t!”
Beckett said, “Mate.”
Troy said, “I hate our new house. I don’t want to live there. Please let me stay here.Please.I’ll be very good and very quiet,” he told Quinn. “I’ll take out the garbage and clear the table and put the dishes in the dishwasher and do my own shower and pick up Bacon’s poos right away.”
“You’d miss your dad and your sister then,” Quinn said, dangerously close to crying herself. “So much more than you’re going to miss me. They’re your family. I’m just your …” She had to take a breath. “I’m just your friend.”
“But they could come and eat dinner at our house,” Troy said, “because you say it’s easier and nicer to cook for more people, and Dad could cook sometimes, too, even though he’s not as good at it. And Dad could put me to bed, and Dad and Janey could come at breakfast time, and Dad could wake me up so you wouldn’t have to do it, and it could be very cozy. And Carly can keep coming here instead of to our new house, because she already knows where it is, and Janey always says she doesn’t need a babysitter anyway, so Carly won’t have to go there at all and Janey can just be alone like she likes. You always say you’re s’posed to make a plan, Dad, and that’s a plan!”
Janey said, “Honestly. You’re ridiculous. I give up,” and stalked up the stairs. Beckett didn’t say anything else at all. He just picked Troy up and headed up after them.
Which was why Quinn was in the shower now in water as hot as she could stand, trying to wash the memories away. Water always helped. Water alwaysworked.Surely it would work now. But every time she thought of Troy’s woebegone little face looking at her over Beckett’s shoulder, the tears streaking his cheeks, her heart gave a throb, and her tears were back again.
This is stupid. It’s not like you and Beckett broke up. All right, you don’t know exactly how it’s going to work from here, now that he doesn’t have the … the convenience of you, but …
OK. That made it worse. She had nobody to blame but herself for coming up with the ludicrous piece of wishful thinking that she could now see her invitation had been, and then for succumbing to the temptation to love all of them and make more out of it than it was. What guywouldn’twant to have sex if there you were, right downstairs, waiting for him? If he didn’t even have to buy you dinner? If you’dmadedinner? Not that it was Beckett’s fault. She’d wanted him, too, and he’d never promised her a thing.
So let it go. Let it go, so you’ll be able to move on into whatever it becomes. If that’s what you want.
Who was she kidding? Of course it was what she wanted. She wanted everything, so much that she’d never let herself explore it.
Let it go anyway. You can’t always get what you want.She raised her hands overhead, closed her eyes, sent her shoulders down her back, and focused on her breath. She visualized herself swimming in the lake, the cold water all around her and the sun on her back, the dark-green water sliding away below her, her arms and legs powering her relentlessly on, her breath rhythmic, in the zone. Her go-to tension reliever, which always worked.
But not tonight. Her chest tightened and heated, that lump in her throat got bigger, and she saw Troy’s face again, and the way his hair stuck up in back. Saw Beckett’s back as he carried his boy upstairs, the very lines of his body showing how tired he was. And how he wasn’t giving into it, because he had to take care of his kids, and Beckett would always do what he had to do.
That was a man, doing what he had to do even when he was past exhausted, past grieving. Taking care of his family. That was aman.
She saw Janey, then, stomping a little in her frustration, jealous and needy in turns and twelve years old all the way. Janey, who didn’t quite know yet how to be a teenager, and was so worried she wouldn’t figure it out, she didn’t even dare to ask.
They’d never be going to bed in her house again.
She dropped her hands and pressed them into the wall, laid her forehead against her palms so she was holding herself, the one person who’d always be here to hold her, and let the tears come. She tried to tell herself,Stupid. Stop,but knew that Troy was right.
It’s my feelings.
Her shoulders heaved. Her legs got trembly. Her nose filled up, and the sobs were so strong, they hurt. Thetearshurt, and still, there was no stopping them. She cried for the stupid dream she’d had, and for her endlessly foolish heart, because she’d known the dream was impossible, and she’d had it anyway.
Why couldn’t she ever be smarter? She was smart in everything else, so why couldn’t she control her heart?
Because it was more than their moving out, of course. It was coming face to face with the truth. It was the thing Terrell had said when they’d skied together last Saturday afternoon. Not Martin, because Martin was off with Rafe on location, and not Beckett, because he’d been taking the kids grocery shopping and then Christmas shopping, “having some Dad time.” Because hewastheir dad, and of course they all needed that time together. Which was great, because it was her chance to do all the hardest runs, as fast as she wanted to do them.
