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“It would be disrespectful to the Leoni family,” I said. “Grandma and I were just leaving.”
“You don’t care about the Leoni,” Bella said. “You care about the eye. What you want? Boils? Hair fall out? Maybe I make you talk like chicken.” She stuck her arms out. “Go ahead. Cuff me. I dare you. I give you double whammy.”
There was a collective, simultaneous gasp from everyone in the room. It was as if all the air had gotten sucked out of the building and no one could move. No one could turn away from the spectacle. People were creeping out of the slumber room to cautiously join the crowd in the lobby.
The good Stephanie and the bad Stephanie were at war in my head. The bad Stephanie wanted to punch the hag in the face and drag her off to jail. The good Stephanie argued that she was a crazy old lady, and if I punched her in front of all these people my mother would cut me off from her famous pineapple upside-down cake. So, what it came down to was, did I really want to live the rest of my life without the cake?
I narrowed my eyes at Bella. “I’m not going to cuff you,” I said.
I sensed the crowd relax a little. People resumed breathing.
Bella pulled herself together, marshaling her forces for another attack. “Do it,” Bella said, holding her arms out. “Put me in cuffs. See how my grandson like you then.”
There was another communal gasp.
The funeral director was behind me, restraining Grandma. “For God’s sake, do it,” he whispered. “Put her in cuffs and get her out of here. I’m begging you.”
I reached into my purse, found my cuffs, and clamped them onBella. The click of them locking in place was like a thunderclap in the still room. I imagined everyone’s eyes bulging out of their sockets, mouths agape. Probably a television crew was on its way. News at eleven. I wouldn’t be able to give an interview because I would be talking like a chicken.
“What’s this?” Bella shrieked. “You do this to a defenseless, sick old woman? What person are you that you do a thing like this. Your family be ashamed. Someone get a doctor. My heart. I can’t see. Someone get oxygen.”
“Where’s her daughter?” I asked the funeral director. “Who brought her here?”
“She usually comes alone,” he said.
“Now what?” I asked him. “Do we call for an ambulance?”
“They won’t touch her,” he said. “Last time she did this she gave one of the EMTs the eye and he ended up passing a kidney stone the size of a golf ball.”
I looked around the room. People were smashed together, cowering in corners and hiding behind potted plants.
I grabbed Bella by the arm and tugged her toward the side door that led to the parking lot.
“Help,” she yelled. “Help this sick old lady. I’m being kidnapped.”
Grandma was behind us. “Put a sock in it, Bella,” she said. “For two cents I’d give you a good kick in your keister.”
“I’d get a bruise and you’d be in big trouble,” Bella said. “Old lady brutality.”
We got to my car and I realized that it was Ranger’s car and realistically it only had room for two people.
“Some hotshot car you got,” Bella said. “Slut car.”
I stuffed her in, buckled her seat belt, and went around to the driver’s side.
“I’ll only be ten minutes,” I said to Grandma. “Wait here and I’ll be right back.”
“It’ll take longer than that to check her in downtown,” Grandma said.
“I’m not taking her downtown. I’m taking her home.”
“That’s not satisfying but I guess it’s smart,” Grandma said. “You don’t have to come back for me. I can get a ride with Ethel Scheck. After viewings she likes to go to Pino’s for nachos and a drink.”
It was a short silent ride to the Morelli house. I parked at the curb and went to the passenger side to help Bella out. I unbuckled her seat belt and Bella hunkered down.
“You arrested me,” she said. “I’m in handcuffs. This is the way you want it. Take me to the police.”
“If I take you in now, you’ll have to spend the night in jail. I’ll come back for you in the morning. You can get immediately bonded out and you can go home.”
