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Francine shuffled over and squinted at us. “So what?” she said.
“These two chicks came to haul my ass back to jail. Someone sent two chicks out to take down big, bad old me.”
Brown was about Lula’s height, but she easily had fifty poundson him. Plus, Lula was wearing FMPs that added five inches to her height.
“You don’t look so big to me,” Lula said.
Brown leaned in a little. “Big enough to kick your fat ass.”
“Excuse me?” Lula said. “Did you just do a derogatory comment on my ass?”
“It’s fat,” he said.
“Well, you haven’t got no ass at all,” Lula said. “You’re a stick with a little dick.”
“You want to see my dick?” he said. “I got a dick that could choke a horse.”
I couldn’t believe this was happening. This was turning into a dumpster fire. “No!” I said. “We don’t want to see your dick. I’m sure it’s perfectly frightening.”
“What then? How about my ass? You want to see my ass?” he said.
“I don’t want to see that either,” I said. “I just want to take you downtown so you can reschedule your court date.”
“It’s Saturday, bitch,” he said. “I won’t get rescheduled until Monday.”
“Yeah, but they give you a double cheeseburger and fries for lunch and dinner,” Lula said. “And you get one of them greasy breakfast sandwiches for breakfast.”
“I’m a vegan,” he said. “I don’t eat that shit.”
“Get the heck out,” Lula said. “Everybody knows vegans don’t do armed robbery. You’re a fibber.”
I had cuffs tucked into the back of my jeans. I grabbed them and got one on Brown’s wrist, but he jumped away before I could get the second one on him.
“Francine,” he said, “get my gun and shoot them.”
“Hold on,” Lula said. “We got guns, too. I got one in my purse. Stephanie, show them your gun while I try to find mine.”
“This is ridiculous,” I said. “Nobody is doing any shooting. I just want—”
“Screw this,” Brown said, and he bolted out the door.
“I got him,” Lula yelled, taking off after Brown. “I’m on it.”
I ran out the door after her. Brown was running barefoot, and Lula was running flat-out in her heels and a skintight red spandex dress that barely covered her hooha. I was close behind Lula. She took a flying leap and tackled Brown, taking him to the ground. Brown gave a shrill whistle and I turned to see a huge German shepherd clear the chain-link fence, cross the driveway, and go after Lula. He clamped on to the hem of her dress and tore half the skirt off.
“What the bejeezus,” Lula said, rolling off Brown and scrambling to her feet. “Bad dog!” she yelled at the shepherd. “Do you see what you did? This here’s one of my favorite outfits. Who’s gonna pay for this? Do you think this idiot laying on the ground is gonna pay for it? He’d have to rob another store.”
The dog was holding its ground and growling.
“And that’s another thing,” Lula said. “You want to stop the growling. You need to sit there and be quiet while we sort this out.Sit!”
“Crazy fat bitch,” Brown said. “I sprained my ankle. Maybe I broke it.”
I got the other cuff on Brown and Francine joined us.
“Good tackle,” she said to Lula. “I like your red thong.”
Lula had a cheek exposed and the dog still had the chunk of dress in his teeth.
