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He took Daddy, then Mama, then Roman. Isaac’s next. Then who? Will I ever have anyone? Will anyone stay long enough for me to give my heart to, to trust He won’t tear it up, stomp on it, and hand me back the bloody, pulpy mess?
How much more do I have to give before I’ve given everything?
“What did I do?” The words are asked between broken sobs, my breathing the harshest it’s ever been. Still, I try to hold on. I try to stop myself from breaking to a point of no return. “I’ll fix it. Just tell me what to do. Give me a sign. Anything. I just—what do I have to do? Don’t take him from me again.”
There it is.
The real reason I’m so angry, why I hate Him so much. Because He took Roman from me, and I know this time, once he’s gone, it’ll be for good. I’ll never see him again. I’ll never have these torturous moments with him again, and even if he’s killing me slowly, I can’t give him up.
“Please,” I beg, nearly crumbling to my knees. “Don’t take him.”
But I know no one is listening. Mama isn’t. Daddy isn’t. God definitely isn’t. And the man I want has disappeared, the aching pit in my stomach reminding me of his absence with every second that ticks by.
My head falls forward, my eyes immediately latching onto the time. Only a few minutes since I stepped foot onto sacred ground, and already I’m itching to leave. To get away from the place that holds so much pain, I can barely breathe.
But I force myself to stay put, to stare at Mama’s marker again, to fill her in on my life. I haven’t been here in weeks. After that first night with Isaac, it’s been harder and harder to face her, even if it’s just her grave I’m having to face.
A part of me worries she’s cursing me from Heaven, but then I remember this is Mama, my mama. She’d never do that.
She’s up there with Daddy, dancing to their favorite song, her favorite dress swaying around her thin legs as he holds her closely to his broad chest. I can almost see it, the way he’s clutching her to him, like he’s afraid of losing her. But she holds him back, just as tightly.
I saw it a million times, the way they floated together around the kitchen like they were the only ones in the entire world. Everything fell away from them. I could see it in their eyes, the way they got so lost in each other that you knew they were soulmates. That they were made for each other—not in the way people always think they’re made for their person, but in a real earth-shattering, cosmic-shifting, planet-shaking way. Every star aligned to create their souls, every path shifted to make sure they met. They were destined for each other, from the second the universe was created.
They were soulmates.
Their love is the kind I’ve always dreamed of, the kind that lights fires and burns hot enough to sear the sun. But a part of me wonders if a love like that comes around once in a lifetime. If I’ll ever find that—if anyone will ever find that love again, or if it was just saved for them.
I force myself to take a breath. Stop. I need to stop.
Every love is different, I remind myself. What I have with Isaac, though not as explosive as Mama and Daddy’s was, is still…something. It’s good. We’re good. Even if we can’t be anything to each other in public, one day, we will be. I have to hold out hope for that.
But another voice in my head, one louder than the rest, reminds of Roman and the way he looked at me last night. The way he brushed his fingers over my curls and let his body wrap around mine. Soft features, joking smiles, teasing words, feather-light touches.
Roman.
It was perfect.
We were perfect.
Stop.
I can’t go down this path with him. Not with Isaac and I still so fresh, so fragile. One wrong move, and everything will break. Roman can’t break this. Because, no matter how much I might miss him and wish to never lose him again, I know I will.
He can’t stay here forever. He has a life in Mammoth, one I’m not a part of. One I’ll never be a part of. I’m not naïve enough to believe that he’d give up everything for me, so why should I give up anything for him?
The reality of the situation isn’t lost on me. I want him to stay. Only moments ago, I was begging God to not take him from me again, but it will be his choice. At the end of the day, I won’t have anyone else to blame but him for leaving. I can’t blame Isaac, or God, or anything other than the fact he doesn’t want me. He didn’t choose me. He chose himself and his life over what we could’ve had.
And the truth of that rips my soul in half.
Shoving to my feet, I press my fingers to my lips and transfer the kiss to the top of the cross, sending a silent prayer to Mama. I need to get away from here, for just a while. Then I’ll come back and I’ll fill her in completely, to apologize about Isaac, to tell her about Roman. But right now, everything is too much. The sun is too hot, and the air is too thick.
I just need to leave.
To breathe, and get away.
I want to run. I want to escape.
I want to jump on my bike and peddle as fast as I can, for as long as I can. I don’t want to stop until I’ve soared past the Divinity Falls city limits and I’m free.
