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“Sorry,” I mumble, kicking a blanket on the floor off my foot. Kon stands in the doorway of his apartment and looks around, his brows raised high. “I was gonna clean up before you came home, but—”
I cut myself off, knowing he doesn’t care about my words. Action. That’s the type of man he is, it’s the type of man he’s tried to mold me into. And, up until recently, I thought I took after him.
But seeing her, being back in Divinity, forced me to regress back to the boy I’d been all those years ago. Stuck in my head, afraid of speaking my mind.
Sure, I poked at Isaac, poked at Eve. But when it came down to it, when I was alone with Isaac, all he was was my abuser and I was still scared, just like I used to be. I couldn’t even look at the fucking basement door without panic clawing at my throat.
I thought I was past that.
I thought I was stronger than that.
Apparently fucking not.
“You haven’t been this big of a mess since—”
“I know,” I grunt, cutting him off.
I haven’t been this big of a mess since he first found me. Squeezing my eyes shut, I force myself not to go down that path, to not think about that time in my life.
I’d endured a lot in my life, but those months of drunk homelessness were the worst. I was lost and alone, missing Eve with every fiber of my being. I never thought I’d be a whole man again. I never thought I’d live outside the darkness.
But then a giant Russian bastard reached down, grabbed me, and forced me to my fucking feet. He forced me to fight.
Without Kon, I don’t think I’d be alive right now.
Taking a deep breath, I turn back toward the man I consider my father, and nearly crumple under the full weight of his knowing gaze. “How is she, man? Really?”
“She’s fine,” he mutters. “Really.”
I shake my head, refusing to believe it. How could she be fine when I’m not? How could she continue living when I’m barely surviving?
“Yeah?” I rasp, my eyes burning.
It’s not that I want her to be doing bad. I want the opposite for her. But just knowing that she’s in the same city as me, just a few blocks away, is fucking killing me. And knowing that she’s apparently fine is killing me even more.
“As good as can be expected,” Kon says warily, eyeing me. “She won’t tell us what happened. You wanna explain?”
No. I don’t want to explain anything.
I can’t stop replaying those moments, the way I’d just used her mouth as my father goaded me. It makes me sick to think about. To know that he had that much power over me, that I could be so easily manipulated by him.
And then when I’d looked down at her, the betrayal in her eyes felt like a sucker punch to the gut. Then I ran. Just like I always do.
This time was different, though. I wasn’t running to hide, or to protect myself or her from my father’s threats. I ran to my room to pack, to get us the fuck out of there. But when I came out, she was gone, and Isaac didn’t seem to give a shit. He just laughed and clapped me on the shoulder as he passed.
“I walked in on my dad fucking Eve,” I start, and Kon’s mouth falls open. “Then he convinced me to take her mouth, and—”
“Please tell me you didn’t do that to that fucking girl,” he growls. I drop my head in shame, nodding slightly.
“I’m sorry,” I breathe.
“It’s not me who you should be apologizing to.”
It’s times like this I wish I could have a fucking drink. Running my hand through my hair, I heave out a sigh as I look back at him. He uses his chin to point at the old couch I’ve been crashing on.
“Sit. Explain.”
So, I sit and explain everything. From start to finish, leaving none of the nasty details out. I tell him how my father tested me, how I used her. How badly I fucked up, and how I don’t know how to fix it. I tell him that I regret ever fucking loving her, then immediately take it back.
