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Again and again.
I close my burning eyes and stumble toward my bed. But flashes of the basement cloud the darkness behind my lids, and they snap open again.
All that exists is the basement.
Him.
That fucking whip.
All I hear is the sound of the bookcase sliding across the old wood floors. The sound of the door creaking open, and my bare feet thudding down the concrete stairs, him following slowly behind me.
All I see is the dark room, the brownish-red stains dotted across the floor, the wooden beams that make up the ceiling I’m not allowed to look at.
All I feel is my knees as they hit the rice, the grains digging in, even through my sweats, his hot breath against my neck as he sneers his commands, the leather whip colliding with my bare back.
Again and again.
“Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.”
My raw, bloody knees hit the floor next to my bed and a pathetic whimper spills from my chapped lips.
Before I realize what I’m doing, my elbows are on the bed, my hands clasped together. My gaze finds the ceiling, and I take a deep breath. Looking up is something I’m never allowed to do when I’m with him. It makes no sense to me.
If God is real, He should exist everywhere. If He’s real, He can’t be an invisible being that exists only in the sky. And if He’s real, why do I have to bow my head to show Him respect? If He’s real, if He’s all-knowing, all-forgiving, and all-powerful the way Isaac says He is, then why do I have to become a shell of myself to feel His love?
Swallowing thickly, silent tears stream down my cheeks. “Lord,” I choke out, hating the word while simultaneously clinging to it with everything I’ve got. “I don’t know what I did to be born into this life, but I don’t want it. I don’t know what I did wrong to make you hate me so much.” My mouth goes dry, and a sob spills from deep in my burning chest. “I’ll do better. I’ll try harder. I promise. I—I—” I squeeze my eyes shut. “I’m sorry.”
I stare at the white ceiling, seeing everything, seeing nothing. Wishing that just for once, He’d speak back. He’d say He made a mistake. He’d take me out of here. He’d help me.
Someone help me.
At the thought, my mind flits to Jane again. She’s still at church, still tutoring, still none the wiser of what happened today. She has no idea who she shares a bed with.
And Eve…
Sweet, innocent, Eve. She’s only ten. She’s just a kid. So are you, a quiet voice whispers in my mind, but I shake it away. I haven’t been a kid in a long time. Maybe I never was.
Yet with the vision of Eve lodged deep in my mind, I can’t help but let out a childish bargain that will go unheard, just like everything else. Maybe I’ll truly believe if He helps me for once.
“Please help me. Guide me. I’ll do anything to be a bit more like her. Show me the light because I can’t find it. I try. I—I really try.” I choke on another sob, this one wracking my body. Squeezing my eyes shut, I drop my head. “Please, Lord, all I see is the dark. I just want to see the light. Just once.”
Tiny arms wrap around my shoulders, and I jump, my head snapping up. My back burns with the movement and I instinctually flinch, the pain still too close to the surface.
“It’s just me, Roman.” Eve sniffles, and I come face to face with her small, innocent, tear-stained eyes. They’re such a bright blue, so unlike anything I’ve seen before. But it’s the understanding, the sympathy and something else, something deeper, that I see in her eyes that takes my breath from my lungs.
“Wh–what are you doing here?” I rasp, but I don't push her away. If anything, I sink further into her embrace.
She doesn’t know what happened in the basement. He stopped before they came home, but for just this moment, I pretend.
I pretend she came for me.
She licks tears from her lips and holds me tighter. “I’ll be that for you,” she whispers, her eyes darting between mine. “I’ll be your light.”
I sink further into her hold. Just for this moment, I’ll be weak. “You can’t.”
She pulls my head onto her shoulder. “I can and I will.” I’m surprised by the vehemence in her voice. “I promise I’ll always be your light. I’ll shine for you when you’re in the dark. You just have to open your eyes and see me.”
I blink back to the present, my throat thick with unshed tears. I knew the second Eve wrapped herself around me and promised to be my light that she was endgame for me.
