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It’s not fair.
It’s not fair.
“Goldie?” Roman murmurs, his voice almost inaudible over the rain and my spiraling thoughts. I look up at him, but can’t say anything. There’s nothing to say. I’ve exhausted every word over the last week trying and failing to figure out why she’s gone.
I know I should be falling apart. That I should feel something other than this bitter emptiness. But I don’t. I can’t.
“It’ll be okay,” he says. I press my lips firmly together at his words, trying to stop my chin from quivering. Whatever strength he’s carrying for the both of us nearly breaks when he sees it. I notice it in his eyes, the pain he’s trying to hide. “It’ll be okay.” He says it again like the more he says it, the more we’ll believe it.
But we both know it won’t be.
Things are different now.
He wraps his pinky tightly around mine, and a tear finally drips from my eye, down my cheek, and falls to the wet ground. His hold tightens, and I shuffle closer to him, needing his warmth. His protection.
As I steady my breathing, I look around. Mama is fully lowered into her eternal resting place, and mourners surround the deep hole as they pay their final respects. The rain comes down thickly around us, coating the well-manicured cemetery in hot, humid water.
I glance over my shoulder, finding Isaac talking with an older man. He’s gripping a worn Bible, holding it close to his chest under his black coat, like he’s trying to keep it dry from the rain. My head tilts to the side as I watch them, and a tear slides from the corner of my eye into my hair. The man meets my gaze and gives me a sympathetic smile. I nod respectfully, because that’s what’s expected from me, and face forward again.
Roman’s finger stays wrapped around mine in a wordless pinky promise until the last of the mourners finish throwing dirt and flowers on Mama’s casket. I refuse to let go of his hand, knowing without it, I’d crumble to the ground.
“Hi, kids.” Roman stiffens beside me as Mary approaches. I try to pull away, but his pinky tightens further, leaving us locked together. “I’m so sorry, Evie.” She gently grips my shoulder, a soft, pitying smile on her face. “I know how hard it is to lose a mother.” She glances at Roman, her face still soft.
I feel him vibrating, and I know he’s moments away from exploding. His lip twitches, like he’s holding back a snarl, and I squeeze his pinky with mine, trying to ground him. It doesn’t help.
“I know how much she loved you both,” she continues. “Jane was a good woman.” She looks over my head at Isaac and the church’s congregation, as she says, “You were both so lucky to have her as a mother.”
“She’s not my mother,” Roman hisses, and Mary’s eyes snap to him. “And Eve isn’t my sister.”
He lets go of my hand, and I feel like I’m falling. Like I’m moments away from fainting. Like the world is spinning and spinning. Like everything is out of control.
Roman takes one step away from me and the small distance he’s put between us feels like a mile. I want to reach for him again. I want to sob in his arms and beg him to comfort me, demand he make everything better, that he makes me better.
But he takes another step away.
“I just meant—”
“Thank you, Miss Mary,” I say, interrupting her before she can do any more damage. “She was the best.”
I feel Roman’s gaze on me, burning into the side of my head. If I look at him, I will break, and I can’t do that yet. I can’t break in front of everyone. In front of the town. The church. In front of Mary.
They already pity me, and I don’t want to make it worse.
“You know I’m always here for you,” she says softly. “For you both.” She risks a glance at Roman, but I still don’t. “Anything you need, I’m here.” I nod again, giving her a watery smile as she pulls her hand away and heads off toward Isaac and his group.
Finally, I glare at Roman, but he just stares blankly back at me, like he’s daring me to say something. He knows I won’t when we’re surrounded by people, so I grip his wrist and yank him from the gravesite. He lets me lead him down the worn path that separates our church and house, split by wildflower fields and Barry’s Pond.
Roman grunts but follows me, and never pulls his hand away. I try to ignore his towering height behind me, at the way I know he’s only moving this way because he wants to and not because I have any strength to make him.
The walk is silent, but I can’t mistake that for peace. My heart knows better. My life is full of anything but peace right now.
When our house comes into view and I see the massive crowd already gathering outside for the wake, I nearly scream. I just want one moment. One lousy moment alone with Roman to talk about this. To talk about everything. I just want everyone to go away and let me attempt to cry about my mother without their prying eyes.
I come to a stop, and Roman collides into my back. I nearly fall, but he drops my hand and grips my waist to steady me, his fingers digging into my black lace dress. Chills ripple down my spine as I peer over my shoulder at him. His gaze is intense, and all knowing, and my mouth goes dry.
I can’t stop staring at his eyes, letting his gaze ground me.
Hazel.
