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“Good girl,” she says, and I gasp, clutching Mama’s necklace as though it’s pearls. She does something with her face that I think equates to a salacious look. “Liked that one, did you? I picked it up on PornBub.”
Sighing, I decide to save that entire conversation for a later date. Much later.
“What is going on, Oli? Just give it to me straight, please. It’s late and I’m missing my show.”
“Fuck, okay, Grandma. I didn’t realize eight was your bedtime these days.” Shit. It’s only eight? When did I get so old? “So, we’re doing a break-in and rescue down at the PP on Main. Suspects are currently being held hostage in a glass box where they’re forced to watch as their family members are taken one by one and executed right in front of their eyes.”
I shudder, hating the horrible vision she’s dramatically painted but unable to fully commit to becoming appalled quite yet.
“Go on.”
“What else is there to say, Evie?” she cries, her hands flying up at her sides. “It’s patricide. Matricide. Homicide. All the cides! We have to do something!”
“Okay, one,” I hold up my finger, “it’s none of those things unless—” I swallow, shaking my head. “You know what? Nevermind.” Running my hand through my hair, I groan. “So what it sounds like is that you want me to commit a crime with you. Is that what you’re saying?” She waves me off.
“Law is an abstract concept.” She drags her finger over Robert’s nose lovingly. “It only exists if you believe in it and if you don’t believe in it, you can’t get in trouble.” She glances up at me, a calculating expression taking over her visible features. “I live a lawless existence, Evie. The rules don’t apply to me.”
Unable to formulate a response to that, I say nothing. Standing up straight, I eye her outfit again.
“I’m assuming you want me to change for this shit?” I ask dryly, and she nods, snapping her fingers.
“And make it fast. We don’t know how many lives have been lost while I’ve had to stand out here and break down the circle of life to an educated adult.” She scoffs and looks at Robert. “She becomes a pornstar and suddenly, her brain cells go—” She brings her hands up to his little head as she mimes a brain exploding, “Poof.”
Groaning, I grab my wine and stomp to my bedroom. “Get your ass inside and close up the house for me. If I’m committing a crime tonight, I want a nice, safe bed to come home to.”
“Whatever, Grandma,” she shouts. “I’ll make sure to have you home in time for your programs.”
Ten minutes later, we’re standing in front of Oli’s old beat-up car, both of us decked out fully in dark clothes. She’s still got that damn possum strapped to her chest, baby bottle in one hand, her keys in the other.
“What do you think you’re doing?” I jolt forward, grabbing at her keys. “You can’t drive, Olive. Neither of us can.” My eyes dart pointedly at her drink.
“Like I’d ever risk Robert’s life like that.” She shoves her bottle in my mouth, nipple first. “It’s a virgin. Unlike you.” I nearly spit the disgusting drink out the second it touches my tongue. She grins. “Grandma only had the mixer. She’s out of rum.”
I slap the bottle away and wipe my mouth with the back of my hand.
“Yeah, well, I think it’s expired,” I gag. Oli shrugs and tosses the bottle into her back seat.
“Makes sense. She hasn’t been home in over a year.” She drops into the driver's seat, a hand protectively over Robert’s head. “Get in, hooker. We have babies to save.”
Groaning, I drag my feet with every step before reluctantly falling into her passenger seat. “Are you going to tell me what exactly we’re doing or not?” Turning on the car, she throws it in reverse and cackles, giving me a wicked look.
“Not.”
In no time, we’re pulling up in front of Praying Paws Pet Shop. It’s only half after eight, so the town’s not completely closed down for the night yet. The Crispy Biscuit is still open, serving the dinner crowd just a few buildings down. The quaint street is illuminated by string lights, zigzagging from pole to pole.
It really is an adorable downtown.
“Okay, so,” Oli starts, flicking off the ignition. She reaches into the back seat and digs around for so long, I actually worry she’s forgotten what she was looking for. Finally, she tosses an empty backpack into my lap, followed by a small bundle of blue fabric. “Wear that.”
I pick up the fabric, turning it side to side in confusion. She flicks on the overhead light and I gasp.
“Oli, no,” I hiss.
“Evie, yes,” she mimics. “Put it on so we can go inside.”
I take another look at the beanie and cringe. It looks normal on top, but the bottom has a giant, knitted beard. Shaking my head, I throw it at her.
“Trade me.”
