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"And they're just giving it to me?"
"Of course, they love me and want me to be happy. They said they'll help in any way they can," she explains, finally looking up at me and offering me the tiniest glimpse of a smile.
I often wonder how it would feel to have grandparents or parents who love with all their hearts as much as hers do. The sort of people who would open their home up to a stranger just to please their family. Ones who would openly offer to spend their hard-earned money to mail and deliver our letters because they know we can't do it ourselves. "It must be nice to be loved," I accidentally admit out loud. Thankfully, she doesn't hear, as she's too busy burying herself in my lap as I carefully stroke her hair, desperately hoping it will soothe both of us.
I try to hold in my emotions, but it's futile. I can feel the tears running down my cheeks, and pray that Bella doesn't notice them. I feel the tremors of her body from her crying, and my body shakes along with hers. The feeling of mutual heartbreak is palpable in the air around us.
"Bella," I say, giving her a slight nudge, so she lifts her head up and looks at me. "I don't think I know how to survive without you. You're the only person in my life besides Gabe who cares about me. Your letters and visits are the only things that give my worthless life any meaning." I sob, knowing I shouldn’t be telling her this; she has enough on her plate without carrying my pain too, but I can't help it. My world feels like it's crumbling around me.
She lifts her hand to wipe away a tear, and all I want to do is lean into her touch and memorize it one last time. "Nathaniel, you aren't worthless. You're my best friend in the world. I love you more than all the sprinkles in the universe," she says with a sad smile. "I promise we will write every day, and then whenever we miss each other, we can read our letters back and imagine the other person is right there beside us."
"But…" I mutter, unable to look at her. "I don't have any of your letters left to keep; they’re all gone." I look over at her, and she looks like someone has slapped her.
"What? You threw my letters away? Why? Did they mean so little to you? I keepallof yours in a box under my bed."
"No, Bella, no. I'd never throw your letters away. They’re the most precious thing I own!"
"Then why don't you have them anymore?"
"Because he found them. He found them and destroyed them out of spite and anger." I sob, feeling the pain and anger rising. "He's an asshole, Bella. A cruel, vile asshole. God took my mother and left me here with a monster."
"Shh, calm down, Nate, it's okay—"
"It's not okay. It's never going to be okay again!"
"I'm so sorry, Nathaniel; this is all my fault. I did this. If I hadn't been so stupid and had just stuck to the rules, none of this would have happened. I know we only meet during the day, and I know I don't come to your house. I'm so, so sorry,'' Bella cries.
"Bella no, don't cry, please, and don't ever apologize for coming to see me. I'd happily take twenty beatings just to see you one last time."
I don't know how long we sit there cradled in each other's arms as we sob under the old willow tree. We sit there until neither of us has any tears left to cry.
"Let's take you back," I suggest, even though what I really want to do is grab her hand and run away with her, leaving behind everyone who wishes to hurt us. I want to take Bella away from them and keep her for myself.
I know that's nothing but a fantasy, and Bella deserves more. She deserves happiness, love, and family. Stuff I can't give her. So instead, I have to let her go.
The walk back to the cabin feels like an eternity. It's like walking to my own doom. Bella leans almost all her weight on me as she buries herself under my arm and walks in silence.
When we arrive at the cabin, we see Bella’s nana sitting on the porch, waiting. I don't want to let go of her, but I know that I have no choice.
"I love you Bella, you’ll always be my best friend," I manage to say, despite the lump in my throat, before I turn away and immediately rush home.
I thank the Lord that my father is still passed out on the sofa. I look at the now ashy fire and try to see if any of our letters survived. I poke and prod, losing hope, until I discover the little friendship bracelet Bella sent me with one of her letters a few months ago. It's a little beaded bracelet withFriends Foreveron it, although now it saysFRI N OREVERbecause a couple of the beads broke off either in the fight or from the heat. Quickly pulling it out of the fire before anyone sees it, I hide it under my pillow.
CHAPTER EIGHT
NATHANIEL
For the next few days, everything runs smoothly at home. My bruises aren't as bad, and sure, my lip is still cracked and there's still some darkness around my eye, but at least I can finally move without wincing. I make sure to do my part at home and even get a job after school, helping Dad's friend John with some deliveries. It's just guarding the van while he delivers the building materials to make sure no one steals it, but it goes well. I bring home twenty dollars a week, which makes my dad happy. That is, until he blows my pay at the betting store and comes home angry, telling me I cursed the money to spite him. Fortunately for me, today he seems too tired to fight. A few hits and a lot of yelling later, he's passed out enough for me to sneak out and leave a letter for Bella.
Just as I'm walking to the house, her grandmother gets out of the car to check the mailbox. "Nathaniel, over here!" she shouts before taking one look at me and motioning for me to come inside. I follow her, closing the door behind me. As I do, it makes a loud creaking sound, which causes Nana to turn around to look at me. "Sorry," I say, smiling awkwardly, but Nana doesn't smile back. Her eyes widen, and her mouth falls open.Shit, what did I do?
"Nathaniel, what on earth happened to you?" She gasps, reaching out to touch my face. When I cower instinctively, she uses that hand to cover her mouth instead. "Is it some boys from school? Do you want me to get Pops to call the principal? They’re old friends."
"No, it's all right. I just tripped. I'm fine, honestly," I say in a panic. God, how stupid can I be coming here looking like this. I gotta get out of here before she realizes what happened and wants to do something about it.
"Nathaniel!" she cries, slowly moving closer to me. "I know it's none of my business, but be honest with me. Is someone hurting you, son?" she whispers.
"Um, no, I mean, I don't know what you're talking about," I lie, trying and failing to sound convincing.
