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“Okay,” I say slowly, probably wrongly surprised. “So when did you last take your pill?”
“Only a few days ago.”
Her hand moves in mine. She’s lying. My heart starts to beat faster. How long has it been? “So you’ll replace them?” If it’s been afew days,although I expect it’s been longer, she really could be pregnant. I subtly breathe in, willing my racing heart to calm down.
“Tomorrow.”
And will she remember to take them?If you don’t steal them, yes.There’s nothing like a pregnancy scare to get your contraception on track. I don’t know what the fuck I’m thinking. Am I actually trying to justify my behavior? Pass the blame? I look up at her, right into her eyes, and I see it.
Questions.
Sudden comprehension.
“Jesse?” she says, her teeth sinking into her lip.
“What?”Fuck, she’s onto me.
Her eyes narrow as she regards me, definitely searching for guilt. “Nothing,” she eventually says, relaxing. But something tells me I’m not off the hook. Or maybe she thinks it’s so outlandish, she’s dismissed her suspicion.
“Your brother rang,” I say quickly, and it has the desired effect. She looks very worried all of a sudden.
“Dan?” she asks. “You spoke to him?”
“Well, I couldn’t leave it ringing constantly. He would have been worried.” I scowl. “And why is there a lock on your phone?”
“It didn’t stop you answering, though, did it?” she retorts, amused but not. “What did you say to my brother?”
“I didn’t tell him what had happened. I don’t want your family thinking that I can’t look after you. He said you were supposed to be seeing him.”
Her expression is all kinds of worried, suspicious, and impatient. “You told him I’m living with you, didn’t you?”
“Yes.”
If her popping eyes are a measure, she obviously wasn’t expecting honesty. “Jesse,” she moans, collapsing into my body. “What have you done?”
I’ve started moving this relationship along at a reasonable rate, and it’s time to meet the parents. “Hey, look at me.” I force her face up. “Don’t you think he would’ve been worried if I had left your phone to ring off continuously?”
She has no answer to that. She knows I’m right. She still sighs, though, as if I’m the exasperating one. I can’t be bothered to argue anymore. I’m so fucking exhausted. But still, the toxic energy inside lingers, and I really need to be rid of it. My legs are itching to move. My heart itching to beat fast and hard. “I’m going for a run,” I say, feeling her stiffen in my arms. She thinks I want to drag her along. As if. Her body needs some recovery time and, actually, I need some alone time.Is she pregnant?“You take a shower. I’ll get something to eat while I’m out.”
“Can’t you stay?”
“No.” I stand her up and take her into the bathroom. “In the shower.” I get out of there feeling forlorn and deflated, wondering why today I’m taking running over being close to Ava.
I hate the answer.
Guilt.
I run like a crazy man. I still feel like one. She’s definitely suspicious, and for the first time, I consider what she might do if she finds out she’s not mislaid her pills on those few occasions, but they were instead taken. I also never considered she’d forget to replace them. I also never considered that I’d reach a point of complete regret and remorse. I felt guilty. I knew what I was doing, but I still felt guilty. It’s being superseded by regret now. All I’ve achieved is giving her one more reason to leave me. I have to stop this madness.
My pace slows when I see a Starbucks up ahead, until I’m jogging, sweating, every muscle screaming. Alive. I stop just shy of the door and look back down the street to the store I passed, and my steps reverse. I walk in and up and down the aisles until I find what I’m looking for. I take all of them off the shelf and juggle the boxes to the checkout. The young girl behind the counter raises her brows at the piles of pregnancy tests before her.
“Would you like a bag?”
“I’d say so, wouldn’t you?”
On a small, unimpressed scowl, she rings through my purchases, I pay, bag them up, and get my arse into Starbucks, ordering some drinks and some breakfast for Ava. Me? Not hungry. As I’m leaving, my phone rings. I have to stop and place everything down to take the call from Jay. “Hi.”
“I have something you should see.”
