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At the mention of his baby, he snaps out of his daze. “I think it’s sweet. You’re a good daughter, Savannah. I hope you don’t doubt that.”
“Thank you.”
We continue to eat in silence, but I enjoy it. When you’ve spent your whole life in chaos, you appreciate the silence. I’ve spent my life fighting for my mum and myself. I’ve had to scream to be heard, so when silence comes, I find peace in it. The peace doesn’t last for long before Xavier breaks it.
“Merry Christmas.” He digs into his pocket and hands me car keys. “It’s a BMW 8 Series Coupé.”
My brain struggles to comprehend the extravagant gift. How rich do you have to be to buy someone acarfor Christmas?
“I’m not taking that,” I finally say.
He forces the key into my hand. “Don’t let my money go to waste. I bought it just for you.”
“Why?”
Xavier’s smile is breathtaking. The blue in his eyes brightens, and his lips curl into a perfect grin. “I asked what you wanted, and you said a car or a time machine. I’m good with technology, but not that good. And now you can get yourself wherever you want without relying on me.”
My heart swells in appreciation for the man. It could have been any cheap car, and I’d still feel overwhelmed with joy. Because it isn’t the gift that makes me smile; it’s because helistened.He silently observed and knew I needed some freedom back.
I return his smile. “Thank you.”
His thumb brushes over my knuckles. “You have to put the petrol in,” he jokes. “You can even drive it to your date with Christian.”
My nose crinkles in disgust. “I’m not actually going to go out with him.”
“Does Ray know that?”
I shrug, feigning indifference. “He’s probably worried I might spend more than five minutes thinking about anything besides my job.”
“It’s more than that.”
“To who? You or him?” I hold his stare. “Say it, Xavier. You were jealous.”
I don’t know why I want to hear him admit it. Maybe it’s to make myself feel better after Huxley’s cold departure. Xavier hasn’t shied away from his feelings, even if he doesn’t act on them; in the same way, I haven’t hidden my raw attraction to him. Since the day we met, I felt a physical pull towards Xavier, and every small or big gesture only intensifies it.
He surprises me when he says, “Yes. I felt like I was burning.”
Why can’t Huxley be like that? Or is it because he doesn’t like me, only my body?
“What does that change?” His voice drops, and the sadness I’m becoming familiar with returns. “I’ve had this burn inside me ever since I met you. Every time I see you with Ray, it gets stronger.”
“There’s nothing between me and him,” I half-lie.
“What does that change?” he repeats.
That heavy weight is back as I’m unable to give him the answer he wants. It doesn’t change anything. Whether I go on a date with Christian or Huxley, nothing changes because he is still married.
“I’ve spent my whole life trying to be enough. My heart is in the right place, even when I can’t explain myself,” I begin. “People misunderstand me because I can’t articulate what’s in my heart. I say things without thinking and am too stubborn for my own good. I’m not going to change the world or cure cancer. But I want to leave this world having doneone goodthing. Just one.”
I rub my belly, which has life growing inside. I look back at him as I continue. “This is my chance to do that. Please don’t make me ruin it. Part of me knows thatwewould feel right. If there was no ring on that first day, I wouldn’t have stopped it from happening. But there is, so we can’t.”
“Even if my marriage has become a piece of paper?”
“Yes. For two reasons.” I lift one finger. “One. This baby is real and deserves a chance to have a normal family. God knows it was all I wanted as a child.” I lift a second finger. “And two. You would hate yourself because whether you hate her or not, you took a vow to stand by her.”
“She destroyed those vows.”
“Yet you chose to stay.”
