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She flinched, a flash of pain in her eyes.
Physically, I was fine. The damage to my carefully cool relationship with Everett wasn’t permanent. But the fracture in my trust might never heal.
Cassie nodded and started to turn away.
An apology lodged itself in my throat. I wasn’t even sure what I was apologizing for. Maybe I was just hoping to use the words as a shield to keep her from walking away.
Or from hurting me again.
Before Cassie walked away, Dr. Okafor returned to us and patted my arm. “Well done, the both of you. You really pulled that out of your hat.”
“It was all Cassie.”
“Thanks.” She forced on a tiny smile and then edged past me.
I turned to watch her go. Or maybe follow her.
Or maybe not. I didn’t know what to say, and she was the whole reason I wasn’t feeling better.
But as she walked away, the thing that hurt the most was feeling so far from her. Couldn’t we find a way past this?
I couldn’t see one.
“She’s rather brilliant, isn’t she?” Dr. Okafor gave me a sly, knowing smile.
If only she were right.
“Lucky for us you came in today,” she said as we walked back to our offices. “What brought you back early?”
Rather than answer directly, I told her about the research question I’d been exploring that day. The effects of loneliness were staggering. “After the last pandemic,” I concluded, ignoring a memory of Cassie’s correction of that phrase, “I think it’s become clear what a public health crisis feeling alone is. The surgeon general even called it a new epidemic.” I turned to her. “We wouldn’t happen to do anything to help with that through Urban Health, would we?”
“I’m afraid not—all too often, we have the opposite problem.” She chuckled. “I can see you’re passionate about this.” If Dr. Okafor meant anything by that word, she didn’t tip her hand. “Unfortunately, we haven’t had the opportunity to address that issue beyond tangential efforts like our community crochet and knitting circle meetings and our various support groups.”
“Well, I’m sure we could do more to address loneliness directly—outreach programs, community events.”
We reached the doors to our division and she turned to me, her face both kind and sad. “This is truly admirable, but I’m afraid we haven’t the resources to address every problem at once. We’re focused on keeping people from dying right now; you’re several steps higher on Maslow’s hierarchy.”
I gave a courtesy laugh. “Surely there are inexpensive things we could do. I’ll donate my time.”
“Davis.” She patted my arm. “I can put it on our priority sheet, but it will be some time before it can be a focus for us.”
I nodded. Triage was the way of healthcare, both the patient-facing side and the administrative side. You had to take the highest priorities first. And the crushing loneliness I knew people faced, no matter how many lived in every square foot of this city, was not a higher priority than the threats waiting to take their lives.
“Everyone has to make their own connections,” Dr. Okafor said, her voice gentler. “It hasn’t been long. I’m sure you will. Perhaps Dr. Croft—”
“Thank you,” I said quickly. “I understand.”
Dr. Okafor left me, and I returned to my desk and scrolling through my PubMed results.
I didn’t know what I was supposed to do, especially without the Center behind me. Could one person help all the lonely people?
Yeah, right. I couldn’t even help my own loneliness. I could only make it worse.
Sunday afternoon, I finished consulting with the nurses in NICU—the last place you wanted to need an infectious disease doctor, but we caught the sepsis early enough that little baby Margaret, our patient, had narrowly avoided death and hopefully also brain damage—and dragged myself back up the stairs. The staff elevator was not at all trustworthy, and after this week, I didn’t trust my luck any further than I could spit (with one eye closed and all my fingers crossed, naturally—maybe a little salt over the shoulder for good measure).
Dr. Donaldson was also here on a Sunday, and not for a sick baby. “Looks like your analyses came in,” he told me as I settled in to input my case notes.
“Oh, thanks.” I’d pull up the results in a minute.
