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Luke looked up from typing with a newly serious expression. “We’re not a dating service.”
“She didn’t even want people at work tothinkwe were dating. Bad experience with a breakup at her last job.”
“I see.” Luke typed furiously into his computer and then appeared to read something on the screen. “Um, may I ask if something negative occurred on the cruise?” His voice had a tentative edge.
“We had a great time. Or so I thought.” I fixed my gaze on the glass sliding doors leading out to the balcony. “I’m just not cut out for a relationship.”
“Everyone deserves fulfilling relationships,” Luke argued back.
“Someone who doesn’t even believe in love probably has no business even thinking about being in one,” I retorted.
Luke looked at me for a moment and then began typing rapidly. “Just making a note of your feedback.” He frowned at his computer. “Do you think we need a survey question that gauges how comfortable a person is being vulnerable? Or how open they are to risk being hurt, maybe,” he said in a softer voice, typing as he spoke.
“Nobody wants to risk being hurt,” I muttered.
Luke looked up and offered me a half smile. “Sorry, I was reading some messages from Davis out loud. He likes to be involved with every aspect of the company.”
Even the information that Luke was keeping Davis Hardcastle appraised of every detail of my miserable life wasn’t enough to rouse more than a vague feeling of unease.
“Wait—did you say you don’t believe in love?” Luke stared at me over the top of his laptop, hands poised to record whatever I said.
“It’s a cascade of hormones,” I replied in a monotone that was hardly convincing.
Luke dutifully typed my response into whatever chat app he was using. “Do you agree or disagree with the statement ‘love is worth any risk’? Platonic love, of course.”
For a moment, all I could do was stare. “Love is worth any risk” was the exact phrase Grandma whispered to me the night of her birthday, just after I’d given her the painting. I tried to gather my thoughts. “That question rests on a faulty premise, but if you want to imagine love is more than an evolutionary hormonal response, I imagine some people would find the risk of pain a deterrent.”
“Hmm,” Luke murmured. He closed the laptop screen. “Well, I think I have all I need. Thank you very much for participating in the survey. We’ll take your feedback into consideration when updating the match questionnaire.” He shoved his computer into his bag and made a beeline to the door.
“Glad I could help.” I stood and followed my guest, half lost in thought as I opened the door to let him out. How had Luke—or Davis, if he’d prompted Luke to ask—known the exact words Grandma said to me on a cruise in the middle of the ocean? Or maybe it was something normal people, people who believed in love, all knew.
They’d been powerful words coming from a woman who’d lived without the love of her life for decades. But what did Grandma think I was risking? From her perspective, Jenna and I were sailing off into happily ever after.
I stayed on the couch, puzzling over the subtext in Grandma’s message. The scientific literature was clear—childhood and adolescent experiences were formative. Maybe Grandma thought our tumultuous family history had impacted my ability to experience the full range of human emotions.
Nicole reminded me how I cried myself to sleep for months after our father left. Obviously, I’d once been capable of strong feelings. Jenna hadn’t said anything about me acting like a robot on the cruise, though I was different with her: noticing Nicole’s feelings, willing to leave my job, effervescently happy in a way I hadn’t experienced in my adult life.
Empathetic. Unselfish. Happy. Not normal for me.
My pulse quickened. What if the feelings I experienced for Jennawerelove? I certainly hadn’t been able to maintain the cool head I prided myself on. Even my work didn’t seem as interesting. What else but love could do that to me?
I couldn’t gather empirical data or run a test, but I tried the words out in my head.I love Jenna. I didn’t feel disdain or suspicion.
“I love Jenna,” I said out loud, then I shouted it to my empty apartment. “I love Jenna!”
I reached for my phone, eager to call her and tell her what I’d discovered. Love wasn’t some ridiculous human construct or just a function of hormones. It was real, and I felt it forher! And then she’d...
She’d probably be polite but end the call as fast as she could. Or she might not even pick up. She’d been clear she didn’t want me around, rejecting my help after falling down half a flight of stairs. Her antipathy made no sense in the context of how we’d left things at the airport.
I jolted upright on the couch. What if my reasoning had been faulty, and Jenna hadn’t meant that she didn’t want me at the wedding when she had offered to let me out of our agreement? Nicole’s and Mom’s jokes about how much I hated parties could have convinced Jenna I didn’t really want to go. She might have been looking for assurance that I’d attend despite my proclivity to shun social gatherings.
It made sense that she’d need a little bit more from a man who professed not to believe in love, especially after everything she went through with her last boyfriend. I’d been too distraught thinking she was rejecting me to think clearly. I should have just asked Jenna what she really wanted me to do.
Should have told her I’d endure far worse than a wedding with strangers if it meant being with her.
I stared at my phone. I wasn’t the best at talking about my feelings under any circumstances, and certainly not over the phone, long-distance, in a fraught situation. I already had the weekend off. Cassidy would be fine presenting alone, so that left me free to go to the wedding and show Jenna I was willing to do anything for her. And if she wanted me to leave, I’d accept that.
I did a web search for tickets, but the next available flight to the regional airport in Asheville wasn’t until after the wedding. A flight into Raleigh wouldn’t arrive until eleven p.m. tomorrow, the night before the wedding. I’d have to rent a car, drive through the night, and show up at the ceremony rumpled and tired. Not the best way to impress Jenna. And I needed all the time I could to make my case for why she should let me back into her life, not a few minutes stolen before the wedding.
