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Pulling myself away from the spectacle unfolding beyond the wall, I went into the bathroom to wash up. Guilt and shame rose as I washed my hands. It wasn’t enough, so I jumped in the shower. I scrubbed my skin raw, trying to wipe away what I had just done, but nothing could ever wipe away my sins.
I was a freak. Disturbed. I wasn’t normal. Who got off to the sounds of others having sex, especially when they hadn’t consented to my listening? Worse, it wasn’t even like I was watching them. Just the sounds and my imagination and I fell into self-abuse.
I couldn’t even watch porn anymore. That had been ruined for me.
Everything sexual felt tainted these days.
I hadn’t always felt shame, though.
That didn’t start until after my mother caught me watching porn while “doing my homework”. She called me so many vile names. She told me only whores did things like that. That I’d end up walking the streets looking for men.
She made me doubt myself. She made me lash out. I said things I shouldn’t have said. I judged when I should have been the last person judging. I should’ve been the bigger person.
Instead, I let my mother get in my head. Let her twist my desires into something dirty and disgusting. Then I took that negativity and pushed it on to someone else, someone who didn’t deserve it. Someone so beautiful she didn’t even realize it. I destroyed her with my words, leaving her with only ruin and misery.
My poor sister.
Then I had the audacity to leave. I lived my life as if nothing had happened while she wallowed in self-pity. I should’ve known better. I was the oldest—it was my job to take care of her. But I left her in the darkness and took all the light with me without a second thought to how it would affect her. Maybe my mother was right about me and the path I would choose.
Before I could make amends, she was gone, leaving me to pick up the broken pieces of our lives. I didn’t even get to say goodbye, not that I deserved it. Now I was all alone. I’d lost my best friend—my companion—and there was no way to bring her back. She’d seen no other way to go on after what I’d put her through, and I would carry the burden of that knowledge for the rest of my life.
I got out of the shower, pulled a towel off the rack, and used it to dry my body. I glanced up at the mirror but looked away just as quickly. The woman reflected wasn’t pretty. She was ugly. Inside and out. I’m certain some would say I’m attractive in conventional sense, but most days, I didn’t feel it. I hated this body. The one I touched while I listened to others enjoy themselves. Disgusting. I made a mental note to buy covers for all the mirrors in the apartment.
When I walked back to my bedroom, only silence greeted me. Everything must have worked out. It was late, and my first day of classes started tomorrow. I needed sleep.
Throwing on a T-shirt, I grabbed my bonnet and tossed my curly hair up into it. I went through the motions, putting on lotion and brushing my teeth. I double checked the locks on my apartment door next. I was alone, a young woman in a city I knew nothing about. I had to protect myself. No one else would.
Afterwards, I laid down on my bed and tried my best to drift off to sleep. The nightmares would come like they always did, but despite them, I needed to get as much rest as I could.
The moment I closed my eyes, I saw her in the darkness–my baby sister. I tried to shake her haunting visage from my mind, but it was the same thing I saw in the mirror every single day. I saw her in my eyes. From the way my eyebrows were a tad too long, to the identical chin we shared. Whenever I look at myself, I’m reminded of her time and time again. And these nightmares? It’s the same every night—the night where I last spoke with her.
“Do you have to go?”Brianna begged.
I shook her off and walked to the other side of her bedroom, not caring how harsh I seemed. She always clung too hard. I needed space. I was here to borrow a hairbow, nothing more.
“Yes, Bri, I must go. You know the only thing I love is dance.”
I didn’t look her in the eye. She had already frustrated me, and I had tried to hide it. She’d had yet another man in her room last night. I kept trying to tell her how wrong it was, but she ignored me. And Mama thought I was the whore.
“Even more than me?” she asked.
“Especially more than you,” I scoffed.
She gasped. “You don’t have to be so mean to me.”
“I’m not being mean. I’m just being honest.”
Brianna mumbled something and hopped onto her bed, a sight I had to look away from. I hated being in her room, the same room she let those men in and out of. The same bed she used her body to lure them into night after night.
I often wondered if she had some kind of disorder. Though thirteen now, she had been sexually active since the age of ten. That couldn’t be normal. I’d told Mama repeatedly, but she just wouldn’t listen. Brianna could do no wrong. She was the baby of the family. It was up to me to take care of her.
“What if I took up dancing too? Then we could be together.” Brianna was smiling like it was a brilliant idea.
“No.” The word jumped out before I could stop it. “I don’t need you in my space. Dancing is the one thing that’s for me. It’s the only way I can get away from you. I’m going to dance camp—alone.”
Brianna’s shoulders slumped; her expression crestfallen. Her bottom lip trembled and her eyes watered. “You don’t like me anymore, do you, Eden?”
“You’re my sister,” I said tersely. “I like you just fine.”
