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She nods. “Every single one.”
“Was anyone’s personality like Skarr’s?” When she hesitates, that tells me everything I need to know. “So I’m just the lucky one, then. It figures that I’d end up with the guy that was spliced with a lizard and a…a…peacock!” The moment I blurt it out, I know it fits. Skarr is exactly like a peacock—all strutting and prancing and wanting everyone to look at him. He’s absolutely a peacock. I snort at my own imagination, picturing him with a fan of feathers for a tail instead of his gator-like one. “He’s a peacock,” I state again, proud of myself.
“I have to admit that he’s…a bit special.” Flor manages an awkward smile. “But look at it from his point of view. He’s just as lost as you are. The gladiators are brought up with very specific memories and all he knows is how to be a fighter. If he’s retreating into showing off and picking fights, it makes sense. It’s not fun to be around, but in his weird way it makes sense. He’s never been taught how to be friends with people, just how to fight them. We had a few gladiators with us when we first arrived here and they were absolutely clueless. No idea how to survive in a wilderness situation. All they knew was battles and glory.” She tilts her head, regarding me. “So be patient with him while he tries to develop a personality.”
Me. Be patient with him. Understand that he’s a jerk and…what? Be his mate anyhow?
I laugh, because it’s so ridiculous. No one’s telling him to stop being a jerk. I’m just supposed to overlook that he’s a perfect ass and just…what? Fall into his arms anyhow? My laughter continues, growing higher-pitched and slightly hysterical.
I’m trapped. Everywhere I look, every way I turn, I am absolutely fucking trapped.
I’m stuck on this planet.
I’m stuck with Skarr.
I don’t even know my ownname.
“I’m supposed to wait for him to develop a personality,” I manage between gasping, frantic laughs. “And I don’t even know my own name? Is he going to wait for me to get a personality too?” I laugh harder. “Wait, I don’t think it matters. He doesn’t care if I have a personality as long as I jump his bones.”
My laughter is turning dangerously close to tears.
“I’m sorry, Vivian,” Flor’s tone is gentle. “I know it’s a lot. I wish I could help you with the memories thing. Maybe more will come to you as time passes, maybe not. But as far as personalities go,Ilike you.”
“What’s there to like? I’m a blank slate.”
She shakes her head. “You say that, but I see someone that’s strong in the face of all kinds of shit thrown at her. You aren’t flinging yourself off the nearest cliff. You aren’t weeping about the cruelty of life. You aren’t scared of your shadow. I’ve been watching all of you over the last few days and you’re one of the strongest here. Not physically—mentally. You’ve got your shit together even if you think you don’t. And you’ve tried to help out around camp. Have you seen anyone else helping with the fire?”
“It’s because that’s one of the few things I know.” She makes it sound like that’s a big deal.
“That’s right. And instead of dissembling or picking fights or crying or clinging to the nearest person and begging them to do it for you, you just got to work.” She reaches out and gives my closest limb—my lower leg—a squeeze of affection. “I’m not ragging on the others, mind you. I know just as much as anyone else that you’ve all been thrown into the deep end of the pool. They’ll figure it out. But it helps to have people like you here. I know I don’t have to babysit you.”
But I’m not being strong. I’m just…afraid to ask for help. Afraid to be a bother. And now I’m afraid to correct her assumptions.
She pats my leg again. “Just don’t be too hard on yourself, okay? Once you remember your name, we’ll all call you that. For now, is Vivian okay? Is a female pronoun okay? Or would you prefer something else?”
It’s nice that she asks. I appreciate that. “Maybe Vivi instead. That feels a bit more…me.” I pause and then add, “And female, yes. Definitely female.”
“Vivi, then. Got it.”
I watch Flor as she gets to her feet. “Thanks for the pep talk.”
“I wish I could be more help. Talking is easy.” She shrugs, offering me a wry look. “I came in here to warn you about resonance, though. It’s totally your call on how much time you want to take with the whole Skarr situation, but I have to point out that the longer you resist, the more resonance is going to push the two of you together. It wants you to have a child together, and it’s going to make you want to jump him despite yourself. If you don’t feel like yourself for the next while—and instead you feel like a much hornier, sexed-up version of yourself—well, you know why.”
Part of me wants to point out that I don’t know what “myself” feels like anyhow, but it just feels like pouting at this point. “So I can’t do anything to avoid resonance? Nothing at all?”
“Not if you want children, ever.”
“And what if I don’t?” I’m still trying to figure my own head out. I don’t have the bandwidth for thinking about children right now.
Flor hesitates, and hope surges up inside me. “So there’s a gal back at camp named Veronica. She has a special khui that lets her heal people. I know it sounds hokey, but it’s true. If you want, she can turn your khui off…but it fucks you up bad.”
“More than being stuck with Skarr for the rest of my life?”
She makes a face. “I’m just saying that there is an answer, but it’s not a good one. Turning the khui off makes you numb to everything. It’s not a solution I’d recommend.”
I nod, but I can’t stop thinking about it, even after Flor gives me a sympathetic pat and leaves.
A healer can turn off my khui. Mute it, so to speak. It’s not a good answer, but it’s an answer. And it’s a hope. I curl my toes in my boots and lie on my back again, staring up at the ceiling.
