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Instead, I drove to my office—my sanctuary—and sat at my desk in front of my computer and let the tears roll down my cheeks. I hadn’t even bothered to turn on the lights. My chest felt like there was something on top of it, pressing down, crushing me. I could only manage short breaths.
I looked at the screen for a long time, not seeing anything. Finally, I blinked away the tears, got up to wash my face, and ate one of the meals I kept in the fridge for when I worked late. Afterward, I felt a little better.
I was used to being alone. Things would go back to normal. I’d be able to work without any distractions. No mind-blowing sex or relaxing Sundays with Silas. I could focus on my business, the only thing that mattered. The one thing I could help flourish and grow. The one thing I didn’t destroy with my actions and words.
It would have to be enough because my family and Silas wanted nothing to do with me. I saw the email message from Harper, asking about my input on the content of the course, and I settled down to work.
I could write the book as I created the content for the course. The book would have smaller tips and less explanation than the course. If readers wanted more, they could buy the course when they finished reading the book. They were a perfect complement to each other.
It was the perfect project to focus on. Everything fell away but the knot in my stomach as I wrote what I wished someone had told me when I was starting out. I even outlined a quick chapter on small business and tax advice and when to form an LLC or an S-corporation.
The main message was to trust yourself and your intuition and then price your services equivalent to what you’re worth. I went with my gut on a lot of business decisions, and I didn’t believe in failure. When I tried something new, it either worked or it didn’t. Then I tried something else. There was no failure. No disappointment. I recommended that they keep track of their numbers, what was working and what wasn’t, and pivot accordingly.
Now that I knew what my book and course were about, the words flew easily. I stayed up all night getting everything down. By morning, I still had gaps to fill and other chapters to add, but I’d gotten a decent amount done. I felt good.
Then I rested my head on the cool surface of my desk to rest my eyes.
“What are you doing? Did you sleep here all night?”
I lifted my head, blinking away the sleep. My neck was tight, and my back ached. “Harper, what are you doing here?”
“It’s Monday. A workday.” Then she continued without letting me respond. “But I’ve been worried about you. We were looking for you all night.”
I stretched my neck and then my arms over my head. “I parked in the garage.”
“The lights weren’t on.”
I shrugged. “I wanted to be left alone.”
“And I guess you weren’t checking your phone.”
“I don’t even know where it is. It might be in the car.” I wasn’t awake yet, and Harper was firing questions and observations at me at a pace I couldn’t keep up with.
“I can’t believe you just left like that and didn’t answer your phone. We were worried about you. Silas was worried about you.”
I snorted, the night coming back to me. “I cause trouble wherever I go. Does that ring a bell? I figured no one wanted to see me. So I came here.” Where there was no judgment, and every decision I made seemed to have some magic powers. Why had I ever ventured out of this sacred space and tried to have a relationship with Silas? It was a ridiculous waste of time.
Except thinking that about Silas hurt, so I dismissed him from my mind.
Harper shook her head. “Leo overreacted last night. He was shocked when he found out about you and Silas.”
I shrugged as if I didn’t have a care in the world. “It’s none of his business, and it’s over now anyway.”
“You broke up with Silas?” Harper lowered her voice and moved closer.
“We were never really together. We had one conversation about being exclusive, but that was right before we had a fight. I don’t think it applies anymore.”
“Of course, you’d get into a fight after a guy wants to put a definition to what you were doing.”
I frowned as I got up to brew some coffee in our work kitchen. “What are you talking about?”
“As soon as Silas dared to define what you were doing, you bolted.”
“He walked out.” After I told him to, but she didn’t need to know that pesky detail. She seemed like she was on a roll, and I wasn’t going to be able to stop her.
I scooped the fresh beans into the grinder, added water, and pushed the button to brew. I needed coffee five minutes ago.
Harper was either wired from last night or had been drinking coffee all night.
