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“Sorry, Katrina. You failed miserably in that.”
“You were the one that left me an orphan, not trusting anyone, turning away the only man who loved me because I was more consumed with killing you than being happy.”
“And would you have been?” He took the bottle from me, the liquor hitting far below the halfway mark. “Would you be happy with a husband and children—the only time you get to yourself is in the bathtub, where you reminisce about the freedom of the open waves, the best years already in the past.”
It was exactly what made me run from Killian. He had wanted to settle down and live this boring life like so many others. I had never wanted that. I never wanted to be contained.
Croygen smiled knowingly, no doubt hearing my unsaid thoughts. “We are too much alike. The sea is the only place we feel at home.”
“Really?” I moved farther onto the bed, leaning against the wall, our legs grazing. “I heard you left the pirate life for a while. I can’t imagine the great Croygen would turn his back on the open waves for a woman.”
“Is there a question in that,Katze?”
“Yes. Was there a woman?”
“There were several.”
“They were serious?” My stomach knotted, not liking the sincerity of his response. “Who were they? Full truth.”
“Hmm.” He leaned back further into the bed. “Full truth, huh?”
Was I ready for it? To hear him speak of women he might have loved? Did he still?
“Well, Amara came when I lost everything. Her drive to survive, no matter who she hurt or took from, was the epitome of the saying ‘misery loves company.’ When cruelty is the only thing giving you breath because life feels so ugly. And the more she twisted me up, the more I craved the pain. To the point, I could see nothing else, wanted nothing else, because I think she was the punishment I was seeking.”
I sucked in; I did not expect his honesty.
“I only got over my toxic addiction of Amara was when I met Zoey.”
Amara fired up my jealousy like an engine, but the reverence and respect in the way he said Zoey’s name hit like a train.
“Were you…” My throat tightened. “In love with, Zoey too?”
“For a moment, I might have thought so.” He flinched in physical pain, shifting himself higher on the headboard. “But later I realized she gave me something much better.”
My brows furrowed.
“She gave me a family. A place to belong. A life I never imagined for myself. Friends, a home, an annoyingpet.” He shook his head with a chuckle.
“So what made you leave?”
He sighed, his gaze going out the window to the stormy night. “I wasn’t meant for their world. I had been fooling myself.”
“Full truth,” I said quietly, sensing in my gut he was avoiding something.
He rubbed at his head. “I left because of Lexie.”
Her name caused a strange fluttering in my chest, a twist in my gut.
“She was killed.” His voice grew hoarse. “And I wasn’t there to protect her as I told her I would be.” I stayed silent, hoping he’d continue. “She was young. I had seen her grow up, and it felt all wrong. I never thought about her like that… Then she got older, and I could feel a magnetic pull to her. Sexually confident, she didn’t hide her crush on me. It felt good to have her attention even when I tried to fight it. The night before the battle…” He took a long pause, lost in another time. “It was just a kiss.” He swallowed hard. “After all she went through, losing her parents, being in a wheelchair, and being an experiment of Dr. Rapava’s, she was so full of life and adventure. She wanted to explore the world with me. And for a moment, I let myself believe I could be that man for her. Show her my world.” He huffed, head wagging. “I was naive.”
Naive was never a word I associated with Croygen.
“Even if I hadn’t let Lexie down, I realize now she never would have fit, no matter what we both wanted to believe. And I would have slowly destroyed her like I do to so many others because I am too selfish.” His gaze met mine. “Deep down, I knew I could never love her the way she deserved. But I would have killed myself trying, pretending she would have been enough… and that’s what wrecks me.”
Staring down at my hands, a lump stuck in my throat, his torture so like my own. Killian was Lexie in my story. I would have played the part, both of us knowing I wasn’tinlove with him, no matter how much I absolutely loved him.
“We’re quite a pair.” I pulled my legs up to my chest.
