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Finding the used clothes, which were probably stolen out of homes or off dead people, I grabbed some pants, boots, underwear, and a few shirts. Changing out of my skirt behind a rack, I left it for someone else, though I couldn’t imagine why anyone would wear it now. That was for a time when you went on dates or out to dinner with friends, when life was carefree and you didn’t think about how you’d get through the day, focusing on mere survival.
Not that I ever lived a life where I went on dates or even had friends. The pirate’s life was always set on survival every day.
“Here.” Croygen placed a paper cup in my hand filled with watered-down coffee, sticking a plate of stuffed cabbage rolls near my face. “They only had a few left. And don’t ask what they’re stuffed with.” He glanced back at the stall. “Though I’m pretty sure it’s either sheep brains or duck intestines.”
“I’ve swallowed down worse.” I reached for one, my body freezing when I realized what I had said. My mind jumped back to the night before, recalling it with such clarity it didn’t feel like a dream.
His head snapped to me, his dark eyes locking on mine as if he were searching for an answer, a deeper meaning. It had me feeling even more vulnerable, like he had been in my head and seen what I had done to him in my fantasy.
His throat bobbed, a nerve in his jaw jumping before his gaze darted to the side. “We need to get moving. Find this Lantern place.” He shoved the plate into my hands, stalking off, leaving me blinking after him.
He didn’t even reply with an innuendo or tease me about my insinuation, which had me unsettled, like he was trying to shove me back into the “little girl” section of his brain. The one where he didn’t think of me past the growing nuisance on his ship. The one who followed him everywhere. Even when I shouldn’t have.
I tiptoed closer through the dark, my ears picking up hushed voices. I tuned into my developing senses, seeing if I could hunt down his exact location, wanting to impress him with how keen my skills were getting at eleven. My eyes were adjusting quicker in the dark, but it was my nose where I felt the strongest change. I had already picked up his scent, pulling me down the shadowy, gloomy, dirty alley. It was something I knew by heart—rich and deep, like the rum or whiskey he drank, with a hint of the sea. Sweet, salty, and spicy all at once. It was ingrained in me, like I was able to track it anywhere, to the ends of the earth if I had to.
My ears twitched when I heard a breathy female voice pitching, “Oh god! More!”
A warning ticked in the base of my skull, the noises I had heard coming from the crew’s rooms tapping at my subconscious, but I snuck closer, still denying what I was hearing. Or maybe I knew, and curiosity was a weakness to my cat as well.
I had seen hundreds, if not a thousand, women try to sail away with us, begging my captain to take them along. They declared their love, the need to escape their horrible husband or restrictive life. I had seen him kiss many of those ladies, but I had never seen him bring a woman into his cabin. When he left for the night, I only imagined the adventures he was pursuing, the swashbuckler escaping death and pilfering treasure troves.
The woman’s cries grew louder, along with the wails of his name.
It was a balmy night, the Caribbean breeze grazing my body, but I felt heat start to prickle from inside, a queasy feeling dampening my skin. Darting to the entrance of the alley, I tucked my tiny frame behind a wooden house, peeking around. A gasp stuck in my throat. I froze, not able to move or breathe, trying to make out what I was seeing through the dark.
The woman was painted up like the wealthy ladies I had seen around town. Her hair was in perfect ringlets, and they bounced as she tipped her head back in a loud cry, her petticoats and layered full skirt hitched up around her waist, her legs wrapped around him, her pantaloons at her thighs.
But it was my captain’s bare butt that held my focus, his pants at his ankles, his hips pitching forward in carnal thrusts into the woman, each one making her cry louder, completely wild and abandoned, screaming things that were almost unintelligible.
“You can have every coin of my husband’s savings, just never stop,” she bayed like a hyena.
The longer I stood there, the more my stomach tied up into knots, and I felt like I was going to throw up. I flushed hot and cold. I wanted to run, to stop watching, but at the same time, my feet wouldn’t move, my eyes greedily watching him violently hitch her up and down the wall.
Tears started to fill my eyes, vomit pooling in the back of my throat, my mind and heart feeling betrayed for some reason, while something in my body heated with an emotion I wasn’t able to pinpoint. I had heard the crew and their lovers before, but I had never actually seen more than kissing. And to watch my captain, the man I adored more than anything, doing that…
His head suddenly snapped over his shoulder, his piercing eyes locking right on mine, somehow knowing I was there.
I jerked back with a gasp, my face burning with humiliation at being caught.
“Gods dammit,” I heard him snarl.
“What are you doing? Don’t stop,” the woman pleaded as I turned and fled, running full speed back for the ship. “Croygen, come back here, you coxcomb!”
“Katrina!” I heard him bark at me, his long legs catching up faster to me than I thought possible. “Stop!” His hand clasped my shoulder, turning me to face him. “What were you doing? Why were you following me?” he demanded, his expression twisted with anger. “Tell me! Why did you follow me?”
“Because…” I burst into tears. I wanted to impress you. I wanted you to smile and be proud I’m becoming such a good pirate and cat-shifter. I couldn’t get any of my reasons out because suddenly I didn’t know if those were the reasons I followed him. It was instinct, a need to be near him. An understanding that wherever he went, I would go too.
“Fuck.” He sighed up at the sky. “Your father is going to kill me.” After buttoning up the pants he was clenching around his waist, he gripped both my shoulders, lowering his face close to mine. “You shouldn’t be out here, Katrina. It’s dangerous.”
No intelligible words came through my blubbering, and I cried more because I was unable to stop, hating I was showing weakness. But lately I couldn’t seem to prevent it—emotions were coming out of nowhere, knocking me over like rogue waves.
“Hey…” He lowered himself down to my eyeline. “Calm down. Deep breaths, like Master Yukimura taught you.” He waited patiently for my tears to ebb, taking the slow inhales Master Yukimura had me practicing every morning on the deck. When I’d had another flare of temper after losing to Killian, Master started these lessons. He had Killian do them too, but I knew it was for me. I was the one out of control.
“Did you see anything?”
I wanted to lie and say I saw nothing, but all I did was stare at my feet.
He took another inhale, like he needed to calm himself too.
