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She smiled. “Night.” She leaned back over the railing.
Before I went inside, I stood in the doorway and rolled my eyes over her body. Her foot bounced anxiously, and she fumbled with her fingers as she stared out somewhere beyond the apartment complex. And just for a second it was Tessa standing there, and then she looked back and smiled and I closed the door.
I stared at the box of cigarettes for several seconds, feeling a hurricane of emotions flood through me along with flashes of my life with Tessa. Her smile when I would pick her up for a night out. Her laugh when I tickled her on my couch. The passion in every kiss like it could be the last. It was like living a nightmare without her. Chills replaced the warmth that ran through my bones and my heart was left empty. She was the strong one. She was the one who made this all worth it. But she was gone and I was here crushing a box of cigarettes like it could possibly bring back what I lost. Like Casen could bring me back to life. But just for a second there was something. Small, but significant.
I looked at the cigarettes again and then to the front door. What if I could just give myself this one night? Just this one moment? What if I could find Tessa buried somewhere inside me? Feel her again? I stopped thinking, tossed the cigarettes onto the floor, pulled my door open, and pounded on Casen’s door.
And then there was only Tessa standing in front of me. Her blue eyes only for me. The smile that swept me away like the waves of the ocean. I crashed my lips on hers and they were Tessa’s, soft and passionate. Her fingers dug into my hair, clawing at me as desperately as my heart cried for her. I pushed her into the apartment, closing the door with my foot, afraid if I let go, Tessa would disappear.
Her breath was warm on my neck as I feverishly kissed my way down her jaw, and then pulling off her shirt, taking every part of her tanned skin in my mouth. Making her mine again. Claiming her as my own again. When I made my way back to her lips, she stopped me, her blue eyes silently asking if I was okay. If I would make it past this point. I didn’t know what would happen when Tessa was gone, and I didn’t care because somehow Casen had made me feel her again. I pulled her lips to mine again, taking all of her. Tessa was mine, and right now so was Casen.
Closing my eyes was easier tonight lying in Casen’s bed, my arm around her as she breathed deeply on my chest. Casen had found a way to brush away the cobwebs around my heart, and I wasn’t sure what tomorrow would bring, but when I closed my eyes and felt Tessa, I knew she had given me one more night with her. And tomorrow … tomorrow I would let go. Tomorrow I would move on, because tonight it finally sank in that Tessa would want that for me. She would want me to find a way to live without her. She would want me to move on. And tonight, Casen gave me a reason to try.
When the sun rose and Casen’s body moved against mine, I didn’t feel the need to flee. I didn’t want to rush out from another mistake. And when she rolled over and her eyes met mine with a big smile, I smiled back.
“So, that was something.” She giggled as she sat up, covering her naked body with the sheets.
“You okay with that?” I propped myself up against the headboard and took in her messy dark hair, glowing skin, and those blue eyes that reminded me so much of Tessa.
“Ummm, yeah, but it was kind of unexpected.” She fumbled with the sheets. “I’m just going to brush my teeth.” She rolled off the bed, slipping on a robe, but before disappearing into the bathroom, she looked back and asked, “Will you still be here?”
Any other day, any other girl I would have said no. “Only if I can use your toothbrush.”
She laughed and tossed me one still in the package. I held it up questioningly.
“I always have extras.”
“Makes complete sense.” I joined her in the bathroom, watching her in the reflection as we stood side by side brushing our teeth. Her confidence was radiant, and before she could sneak behind me, I reached out my hand blocking her way. She looked up shyly, standing on her tiptoes, wrapping her fingers slowly around the base of my neck and then, again, asking silently if this was okay. I wrapped my arm around her waist, lifting her up and pushing her lips on mine, devouring every piece of her. The passion between us continued in the shower and then back to the bedroom.
I held her for a while, combing through her hair, wondering what she was thinking.
“This doesn’t have to mean anything,” she said thoughtfully.
“I know,” I replied.
“I’m going to make coffee,” she said as she slipped out of bed.
I didn’t have a class today, so I wasn’t in a big rush. I liked being around Casen. There were no expectations. I put on my pants and walked out to the kitchen. Casen was humming while she scooped the coffee grounds.
“Do you know what time it is?” I interrupted.
“Just after ten. Do you have a class?”
“No, I’m good until practice.”
I made myself comfortable on the couch. Her sketchbooks were still strewn about. “Anything new since last night?”
“No,” she huffed as she handed me a mug.
“Thanks.”
She sat down and watched me as she sipped her coffee.
“Why are you staring?” I asked, amused.
“I know you don’t want to talk about it, but last night and today was about her, wasn’t it?”
I put the coffee down and rubbed the back of my neck anxiously.
