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Second Chances
I LAID MYhead on the headrest and stared out the car window, watching everything speed by in a blur just like my thoughts. I kept the window down to muffle the sounds of the world that flooded me from the inside out. My perfect day with Brandt was ruined, and now I was left trying to figure out what would be so awful that I would try to kill myself, and I wondered if it was connected to the man in my memory. The man I thought I loved. Did he die, or did he just abandon me? Somebody left me at that hospital and it could have been him.
"Is there anything I can do?"
I shook my head, unable to talk. Talking would lead to him telling me I needed to find somewhere else to go. Talking led to more pain. He didn't say another word as I chewed on my fingers and wiped away each tear before it fell.
I thought he would take me back to the house, but instead, he drove me to Ki's, the restaurant from the other night. "I'm not hungry," I muttered.
"Well, I am, and you have to eat something."
"I don't think I can…I can't be around people right now." I was defeated.
"I know. Please, trust me."
He pulled me out of the car and grabbed a blanket out of the back seat, throwing it over his shoulder. Taking my hand, he guided me around the side of the restaurant onto the sand and laid the blanket out in front of a fire pit.
"Sit," he said gently.
I sat down and tucked my knees to my chest.
"I'll be right back," he said as he turned and ran to the restaurant.
Being alone released a surmounting tension that had been building since we left the zoo. It hurt my chest and my stomach and my head. Who tries to kill themselves when there are so many out there fighting to survive? Even though it was a warm summer evening, my body shivered. I wrapped my arms tighter around my legs as if that could hold in the last part of me that seemed to be hanging on. I was mentally unhealthy and could possibly attempt suicide again. That was what Dr. Surai was implying. I needed help before I tried it again.
Brandt walked back from the restaurant, lighting the pit silently, and then sat on the blanket next to me, wrapping his arm around my shoulders.
"I ordered us some food. They'll bring it down."
"Why are you doing this?" I asked as I rested my head over my arms that crossed lazily on my bent knees.
"Because I can."
"Is that like a thing between you and your brother? He said that to me, too."
"Our parents used to say that to us…" The last few words trailed off.
I didn't want to ask about their parents the other night because Grady had already mentioned them being gone. "What happened?" I asked. He exhaled deeply and retrieved his arm to allow his hands to fidget nervously. "You don't have to tell me."
"No, it's okay. I think after today it's only fair you know something about me."
I waited until he was ready, both of us staring at the fire—or more like through it.
"There was a bad train accident. It took a lot of lives, including my parents."
My skin pebbled. "When?" I pressed gently.
"It's been almost a year."
"I'm so sorry. Where did this happen?"
"In the valley where we used to live. Grady and I moved a couple of months after. The whole community was affected. Hundreds were injured, and a few dozen died. The pain was all over the city. Memorials and fliers. Posters. I couldn't take seeing it at every turn. We needed a fresh start, so Grady and I moved out here to Cliffside. No one knew us, and it was far enough away that we didn’t hear about the accident again."
"That's horrible." This must be what haunted them.
"It wasn't easy leaving the place where we grew up, but we thought it was the best thing for us."
"It looks like you guys are doing pretty well, present company excluded."
