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It really was. This was our closure moment. What a joke! What did that even mean?
Brandt put his hand on my knee. "You can do this. I'm here."
I felt Grady's hand on my shoulder. "And I'm here, too."
I put one hand over each and squeezed. "We can do this," I said. After a shared moment of silence, we made our way around the outskirts of the crowd to three chairs reserved for us. I sat in the middle with the boys on either side of me. I heard the hushed whispers in the crowd, but I tried to tune them out. I wondered if they thought the wrong person lived, because I wondered the same. The boys held my hands through the whole service. It was hard to focus on what was being said, because all I could do was stare at the five caskets laid out sporadically on the lawn, ready to be buried. Brandt offered to speak on our behalf. It was just too much too soon for Grady and me.
A few people, who were close with our parents, said a lot of wonderful things, and close friends of Tessa’s spoke as well. I had so much in me to say, but where did I start? Which stories did I choose? How could I choose between the most significant moments of our lives together when I felt like they were all significant? I couldn't, so I remained quiet.
Brandt stood up and walked slowly to the front. Even in his darkest hours, he was glorious. He cleared his throat and paused, raking his hand through his hair.
"I was talking to Bay about this moment, and we both agreed it's too hard to sum up the entirety of five lives in just a few minutes, so I won't. We heard many heartfelt stories from friends, and I think that's a great way to remember them. We aren't blind to the fact twelve others lost their lives, and many others are permanently injured. Our hearts go out to all of them." He picked up a bunch of forget-me-not flowers from the mound. "This is a forget-me-not flower. Bay and I chose this flower on our wedding day for the same reason we chose it today. Moments are meant to be remembered even long after they were made. When you toss this flower, it's your promise to never forget the memories you have made with them." He took up four more bunches and tossed one onto each casket and then sat back down, taking my hand in his again.
I thought we were done, but then a little voice broke the silence.
"I'd like to say something." When the voice made it into my line of sight, I almost lost it.
"It's Lizzy," I said shakily. She looked so battered sitting in a wheelchair. Her left arm was gone, lost in the accident. Her parents wheeled her to me.
"Hi," she said.
"Hi," I replied through my tears.
"I wanted to come today to say thank you to your parents and sister for raising such an amazing person. You could've left me to find your family, but you didn't. You saved me."
Lizzy’s mom spoke up and tried her best to talk as she cried. "What you did for my daughter…what you did for us…we can never thank you enough. She's our only child and a miracle from conception. I don't know what we would've done had we lost her." She couldn't talk anymore.
"We are very sorry for your loss," Lizzy's father said softly as he wheeled Lizzy off to the side.
Without thinking, I stood up and walked to the front to face the crowd. I twirled my hair around my finger as I counted to ten in my head to calm my nerves. The only sound in the crowd was a baby crying. Brandt looked hopeful while Grady look defeated.
"I didn't expect to speak today," I said, clearing my throat as Brandt had done, "because I didn't know how to summarize twenty-two years of my life with my family in a few sentences. I still don't know how. I'm still in shock and am not sure all of this hasn't hit me yet, but I needed you to know that their purpose in life didn't stop when they died. By the size of this crowd, I know my parents made a difference. They made an impact in this world. And my sister was on her way to do the same.
“I know they are gone—something I don't quite understand right now—but they had a purpose, and they gave us all a purpose in one way or another. Please, remember them for however they helped you, and pay it forward. Remember them in your everyday actions. Remember them, because they deserve to be remembered, not forgotten."
I sat back down and watched as everyone was given a handful of forget-me-not flowers to drop onto each casket. The crowd lined up, and the caskets were quickly covered in them.
"Thank you," I said to Brandt.
"For what?"
"The flowers. I don't want us to ever forget them."
When it was our turn to throw the flowers, it was harder than I thought. I started at Brandt's parents' caskets and made my way to my family. I stopped at my dad's first.
"I don't know how to say goodbye to you, Daddy. If you were here, you would tell me what to say and somehow make me understand all of this. I don't know what I'm going to do without you."
I laid a bundle of flowers on top and walked to my mom's casket. "I know a mother never wants to bury a child, but a child never wants to bury her parents either. Not this young. It was too soon. You were supposed to be a grandmother to my children. I promise I will make sure they know who you are." I placed a bundle onto her casket.
I left Tessa's for last because I knew it would be the hardest. I was her big sister. I was supposed to protect her, and she was my best friend. "I don't know what to say, baby girl. I love you so much, and every time I look in the mirror and every time I twist my hair, I will feel you. I will remember you. I will never forget you." My heart was done. It couldn't take any more. I was laying to rest my whole life, and I could feel it was all about to hit me. Grady noticed I was weak and grabbed me. We stood in front of Tessa's casket, quietly sobbing together.
"I would do anything to bring her back for us, Bay."
"I know, Grady. So would I."
I closed my eyes and listened to the world around me. The crowds had dissipated, the voices distant now. It was a cooler fall day, and the breeze had kicked up. As it whipped by my ear, I could've sworn I heard my sister's voice whisper, “Forget me not.”
I replied aloud, "Never."
