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Finding Peace
"BAY?"
I cracked my eyes open to Brandt smiling sweetly.
"Will you go on a walk with me?" His entire face pleaded.
It had been almost two months since we lost the baby, and I hadn't improved much, but I was talking, just very limited. Mostly one-word responses and I rarely engaged them in conversation. A walk was his way of getting me out of bed, but I knew what today was, and it made it that much harder.
"Please?"
"Sure," I mumbled as I peeled away the sheets. I glanced at the vintage wall clock and noticed it was already two in the afternoon. Recently, I had managed to start getting out of bed at lunch, but today was harder. Today I had planned on staying in bed until tomorrow and skipping it altogether. It would have been smart if Brandt had let me do that, but he was hurting especially bad today, too, so he needed me.
"Do you want anything for the walk? A snack or water?"
"Water, thanks."
I dug out a pair of black sweats and slid them on. They barely stayed on my hips anymore. All my clothes were too big now. I had lost a ton of weight with the depression, to the point where I looked unhealthy. I wanted to eat, but my body didn't. I would take a few bites of something and then lose my appetite.
I pulled the drawstring tight and threw on a shirt that swallowed me, too. Then it really hit me, like a sucker punch to the gut. I bawled over in agony and my lungs refused oxygen. Today was June fourth. Today I should have been holding baby Tessa.
Instead of moving forward, I was holding Brandt back from healing, and I was a burden on Grady. I couldn't do this to them anymore, and I couldn’t bear feeling like this another day.
You could call me weak.
You could call me a coward.
You could call me whatever the hell you wanted, but I had reached my capacity for pain. And when I was gone, one thing you couldn’t call me anymore was pathetic. Today I would do my best to leave the boys with a memory of the girl they used to know, not the girl they labored over now.
I walked into the kitchen where Grady was concentrating fiercely on his laptop screen.
"Hey, Freckles." His smile was too big to be real. He knew what today was, too.
Grady started calling me that nickname a few weeks ago. He was probably hoping it would restore our past banter, but it hadn’t worked.
"Hey,” I replied simply.
Brandt grabbed a water bottle out of the fridge. "Ready?"
"Yep." I pulled on my shoes at the front door.
Grady exclaimed after us, "Hey, I gotta work at the restaurant tonight. One of the managers got sick, so I'll see you guys in the morning."
"Cool," Brandt responded. He held his elbow out for me, so I interlaced my arm in his and let him lead. "We should start running together again."
I made a barely audible sound that could have been a response either way.
"You missed your appointment today."
I still saw Dr. Caldwell a few times a week. "Oh."
"It's fine. I rescheduled you for tomorrow, if that's all right?"
"Sure." I wondered if he was sick of my short responses. Maybe I would try to give him more than that today.
It was a typical June gloom day by the beach. The sun was making every effort to peek out, but it was failing miserably.
"I thought we could go visit the graves this week."
