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"Oh, do I?"
He kissed me again. This was what I imagined it being like after we got married—moving into a new house and kissing over breakfast. This was how it was supposed to be, and I finally had it. I finally felt it. "I love you."
"I love you, too."
We spent the day lounging around the house and making plans to decorate it. Completely ordinary newlywed stuff and it was fun. I was sad when I came here with Grady, and it was so plain. Plain wasn't the right word. Lonely. I was delighted to put some life into it.
Summer was still hanging on, so it was a comfortably warm evening as we sat on the patio enjoying the sunset. Brandt had become contemplatively quiet.
"What's up? You have that wheels-are-turning look."
He looked over apologetically. "I think you should go to the doctor."
"Why? I'm fine. It was just a little dizzy spell."
"You're pregnant," he blurted out.
"What?" I shouted. The world was spinning again, but I needed to get up and walk. I went over to the edge of the cliff, trying to calm the anxiety in my chest. Brandt rushed next to me.
"I wasn't sure when or how to tell you. I’m sorry.”
"I don't understand," I mumbled.
"I didn't know at first. The hospital didn't know. It was too soon when you were admitted to see it."
I flashed back to the night I had attempted suicide. We had slept together right before. I had wanted to give myself to him one last time, never imagining I would get pregnant. It was the furthest thing from my mind.
"They did regular blood panels when you were there. They discovered it in your last blood panel before you woke. They didn't have the results until your follow-up appointment with Dr. Surai."
I remembered Dr. Surai running down the hall after us, but I was so nauseous from shock I had retreated into the bathroom, and Brandt had talked to her. "I asked you what she wanted, and you said nothing." I clutched my stomach, trying to hold the panic attack at bay.
"I know." He put his head down in shame.
"I—I—" My mouth was dry, and I couldn't speak. I was completely terrified. I couldn't go through losing another child, and I wasn't ready. I was just getting back to a semblance of normality.
"I can't do this." I ran back into the house and locked myself in the bathroom. I leaned over the sink, inhaling deeply and exhaling slowly.
"You know I'm not a fan of locked doors," Brandt said through the door.
"Please, just give me a minute. I won't hurt myself."
I just need a minute.
I looked at myself in the mirror and remembered the day of my pre-wedding reception when I had done my makeup and curled my hair. It was such a rarity, but the person in that reflection then wasn't the same one looking back at me now. I was a different person.
I lifted my shirt and looked at my belly. The incision scar was still red, but it was healing. Very slowly. I rested my hand on it and imagined a life with kids. It was hard after losing one, but it was something I still imagined. I put my shirt back down and studied my face again.
I wasn't a different person.
I was a new person.
Brandt knocked again, and I opened the door hesitantly.
"I know this is soon…too soon and maybe a little weird to find out like this..."
"Weird is not quite the right word for this."
"Yeah. Are you mad?” He searched my eyes.
