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Drew loved any opportunity to give me shit, like I was the little brother he never had.
“Dude, I’m not stalking her. She just seems really familiar and I can’t put my finger on it.”
“Okay, whatever you say, but you better ease up before you start weirding her out for real.”
Drew wasn’t wrong about that. I was acting like a lovesick puppy, and I hadn’t been like that since high school. She was fascinating and I was so utterly captivated by her, and no matter how hard I tried to ignore the invisible pull to her, it was only getting stronger. The only purpose I felt I had right now was getting to know Charlee.
Purpose changed with seasons of life, and when I got the call from my dad that my mother and little sister had been in a horrible car accident, my purpose shifted from surfing to family. It was as instant as flipping a switch. I didn’t even say goodbye to the team I was touring with. I jumped on the first flight home and never looked back.
Thankfully, they survived, but my sister had sustained serious injuries to her legs and back, which meant months of intense physical therapy. My mom was driving, so she blamed herself for the accident and fell into a deep depression. My dad couldn’t give both of them a hundred percent attention all the time, so without question, I stepped up. I took care of my sister and my dad took care of my mom.
I had been drifting mindlessly since their accident, not knowing if going back on tour was for me anymore, so as soon as my sister recovered, I hit the road with Drew to find my purpose. What I didn’t expect to find was Charlee.
Charlee
After I managed to stumble my way into the trailer, I closed the door and sucked in shallow breaths as the wave of sadness and pain washed over me.
Please, not right now.
My fingers clutched the edge of the couch to steady my body as sobs racked it violently. The stillness inside the trailer was disrupted by sounds of anguish and broken promises. I had never been able to control the sadness.
It wasn’t supposed to be like this.
Slamming my fist into the couch, I only managed to anger the wounds further that the rocks had inflicted.
The quiet inside my temporary home wrapped its arms around me, engulfing me in loneliness. There was no one to comfort me or to clean my wounds anymore. No one to take care of me.I was on my own now. I should’ve accepted the offer of help from Drew and Levi, but Icouldn’t.Even before Bridger died, I was fiercely independent. That would never change.
I sank into the couch, leaning over my bruised knees and pushing my hands into my eye sockets as hard as I could, the pressure somehow soothing. The tears rolled freely down my arms and onto my legs, carrying the blood over my swollen ankle and onto the laminate. All the seconds of my life hurt now and I did my best to keep every single one of them filled so I could avoid moments like this, but somehow I always ended up back here. These episodes felt like they would never subside and they all interlinked like a chain, not knowing where one ended and another began.
My life was ticking away slowly as my soul quickly evaporated.
When could I stop pretending I was okay?
I sobbed uncontrollably until my stomach muscles ached and my head pounded.
“I should have died,” I whispered between breaths.
Exhausted, I rolled over on my side, careful with my throbbing ankle, and curled into a ball so I could fit on the small two-person couch. Midnight lay down just below me.
“At least I have you.” Her head popped up and then plopped back on her paws.
Many nights like this I would think about Genesis and how much I missed her. We were always there for each other when we needed each other most. Nothing a bowl of chicken noodle soup and a cheesy eighties movie couldn’t cure. It had been almost two decades since we spoke, but her friendship had a permanent indentation on my soul.
Pulling a blanket over me, I clutched it tightly under my chin. Sleep would steal away my pain. It would give me reprieve. It would give me peace. It always did.
Genesis had abandoned me on a cool spring night in April. She was barely able to glance my way when she said goodbye. It wasn’t right to be mad at her, given what she had been through, but I was. I wanted to be there for her and be the shoulder she cried on as we had always done for each other over soup and a movie. But this time, the hurt was too deep. Too devastating.
“Where will you go?” I asked meekly.
“I have an aunt in Tennessee.”
“Tennessee?” We had talked about moving away from here, but Tennessee?
“She has her hands full with the farm and the new baby. She needs me.”
I need you, I wanted to say, but her mind was made up. “Will I see you again?”
She turned her head to me, releasing a tear she had been holding back. “I don’t think so,” she choked out.
