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“At some point? You have no right to judge me, especially after five and a half years of you stringing me along. We were on a break, as you like to call them, and Clay is the only person I spent time with while you were off doing who knows what with whom. Tell me, Justin, how many have you been with at some point?”
His nostrils flare and he swallows hard. He can’t answer me. Well, he probably can, but he’s smart to choose not to.
Why did he stay with me all these years? I know I value loyalty, but what was in it for him?
“Look, there’s a bench, let’s go sit on it and talk,” he says as he lets out a deep sigh.
He takes my hand and I let him. As we sit facing the lake, I look for my house and long to be there. I’m good at spotting life-changing moments, and I already know this is going to be one of them. I know the person who I was when I sat down will be different from the one who walks away, and if I’m honest with myself, I can’t tell if I’m sad or relieved.
Silence hangs heavy over us, and eventually I just can’t take it anymore. I wish my ring were on my finger but it’s not, and instead I know the words need to be said.
“Justin, this isn’t going to work anymore.”
He lets out another deep sigh but doesn’t say anything. Instead, he twists a little so he’s facing me, leaning forward so his elbows rest on his thighs.
“This is not what a forever kind of love should feel like, and you know it,” I say to him, the words coming easier than expected.
“And what should it feel like?” he asks defensively.
My arm flies out as I point toward the beautiful wedding happening just a few feet away from us. Seeing the way Ash loves her, it makes me think back to Clay’s speech where he said he hopes to find someone to love him the way Avery loves Ash, and even more clarity snaps into place. I don’t love Justin the way Avery loves Ash. I’ve become complacent, comfortable, and that is something Avery would never be.
He pinches his eyes shut and groans, but then he sits up as if he has some renewed purpose and a grand plan.
“Listen, it isn’t going to be like this forever. You know this. I just need six more months and then we’ll get to be together full time. I’ll quit my job. I’ll make the move and come back. I promise.”
Six months.
Another promise.
That’s been his go-to line now for as long as I can remember. I’m not sure if he’s lying to himself or just to me. We’ve always known this relationship was going to be hard, but I never thought it would be like this, and to repeatedly hear him say the words “I promise” over the last couple of years, I’ve started to wonder if his promises don’t mean that much. I hate thinking this way. After all, I do love him in a way where he’s been a part of my life for so long, but at what point does he finally want more? I’ve wanted to be with him since the day we met, but something has changed, we have changed, and I don’t want it anymore.
I look at Justin and wait to feel that pull of loss that usually comes as I’m about to say goodbye to him. It doesn’t go unnoticed to me that it doesn’t arrive, and this makes me sad.
“I don’t think so. Not this time.”
He stretches his arm out across the back of the bench and looks at me. I should know what this look means, but I don’t, and how sad is that? It makes me realize, even after all this time, I really don’t know him at all.
“Let’s just reset in a few months. I know things have been hard, but we’ll pull through this. We always do.”
But do we?
I can tell he really means this, he sounds convincing enough, but this is what he does. It’s whathewants, it’s always about what he wants, and over the last year, I’ve thought more and more about why he doesn’t ask me what I want. For quite some time now, I’ve felt like a literal doormat, one he kept walking over, coming in and out of my life. Why I never stood up for myself before is beyond me, but that ends today.
It ends here.
This is that moment in our relationship that I needed to get out. Have I thought about ending it with him before? Yes, but I didn’t know when or how. I was stuck, kept waiting for the right opportunity, and it’s finally here.
Sitting up straight, I look him in the eyes. “Justin, I don’t want to pull through this. I don’t want this.” I shrug my shoulders. “I want more.”
He can see I mean it, and a wave of panic streaks across his features. What he has to be panicked about, I don’t know. He doesn’t really want this, or me, I’m certain of it.
“Let’s just take this break and then I’ll give you more. I promise.”
Another break.
If there is one phrase I never want to hear again in my entire life from a man, it’s that one.
This time, the words come easily.
