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He looked away again.
“I feel nothing for that man—except pity. We’re married, Kingsnake. I take that seriously. A lot more seriously than you do—since you chose to marry me without giving me my options.”
There was a pain so deep in his chest it radiated heat like the sun. He kept his eyes averted, too ashamed to meet my gaze. “We were happy, and I didn’t want to mess with it. We finally got past all the bullshit and the hiccups. You’d finally accepted your new reality, and it felt cruel to thrust this information on you.”
“I can’t believe you were never going to tell me…”
He stared at his hands as they came together between his knees. “Based on your reaction, I know what your answer will be, so I don’t feel bad for lying to you. Not at all. Because I don’t want to lose you—and now, I will.”
“Kingsnake.”
His eyes stayed down.
“Look at me.”
He gave a subtle shake of his head. “I can’t.”
“Why do you assume that’s my answer?”
“Why else would you be so upset?” He continued to stare at the floor.
“I’m upset because you put your needs before mine—the last thing you should do in a marriage. I’m upset that you’ve pushed me to make all the sacrifices for this relationship but wouldn’t do the same for me.”
Now he looked up, his eyes on mine. “That’s not true.”
“What’s not true?”
“I would make the sacrifice—but fuck, I don’t want to.” He straightened in the chair then sank into the cushion, the pain in his eyes matching the pain in his heart. “I don’t want to live a single lifetime with you, watching you get sick and die or watching myself drop dead from a heart attack. Sixty years. Seventy, if we’re lucky. Weak and vulnerable to those beings that are stronger than us. It’s not the right decision.”
“It’s still a decision we should have made together—as equals—but you chose to make it on your own. How can I be your queen if you don’t share the power? How can you trust me to rule in your stead if you don’t trust my opinions?”
He had nothing to say to that.
“Kingsnake…I don’t trust you.”
He clenched his eyes shut.
“This isn’t the first time you’ve lied to me.”
“You can’t hold that against me. I couldn’t let you go—”
“Because you decided that was best. You didn’t give me a choice—”
“And that choice is how we ended up here, husband and wife, madly in love, forever. I’m not sorry.” He raised his head and looked at me head on. “I’m not. I’m not sorry for anything I’ve ever done to make you mine and keep it that way.”
My eyes dropped in disappointment.
“You’re right…we should have made that decision together. But I was afraid of what you would say. I was afraid of losing you, and you don’t fucking understand how much I couldn’t deal with that. You have no fucking idea how much I love you.”
“I do,” I said quietly. “Because it’s the way I love you.”
It was the first time he took a breath, his emotions smoothing over like a river. “Then forgive me…and let’s move on.”
“I’m—I’m not ready to do that.”
His heart tanked again, the depression spreading through his body like a disease.
His despair broke my heart when I was the one who just had my heart broken.
