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When I twisted the knob to barge in, the door was locked. Eli darted his head to the window and scrambled off the couch to open the door, his eyes wide. Opening my palms slightly, I released the skin from the pain of the nails digging into them.
“Hey, sunshine. What are you doing—” His voice quavered a bit.
Shoving myself inside, I stuck my finger in his chest. He backed up, his arms spread out to his sides. “Were you there?!”
A slight crook came to his brow. “Was I—"
“Were you there the night my father was murdered? Eli…Did you murder my father?” I couldn’t see clearly, then realized my eyes were filled with tears. Quickly swiping my fingers across my cheeks, the wetness flushed away so I could focus on my target. He wasn’t getting out of this conversation today.
Eli pulled me in by an arm so he could close the door. “Essa, I-I-I’m not sure.” His voice was steady and quiet. It filled me with fury that he was trying to squirm out of this.
“What?! How can you not be sure if you murdered someone or not, Eli?” My breath was panting out like a rabid dog.
Pressing a hand into his forehead, he stared at the ground, daring to look pitiful. “I was really high that night. I’m so sorry. I can’t remember what happened.”
My tongue almost escaped my mouth as I scoffed. Was he just going to deny everything? Formonthshe had been pulling away… Was this why? Eli had found me while he was in prison, then tried to be with me. Was he trying to shut me up, get me not to tell on him for killing my father? Was I just a game to him?
Hands open, he leaned closer to me, his eyes filled with water like a puddle after a spring rain. “I would tell you if I did. IwishI did, so then I could stay away from you or be with you. This limbo is fuckingkilling me.” Some part of his anguished appearance made me soften, wanting to soothe his pain. The other part was glad he was suffering as I was inside.
“Good. You killed my father. You deserve to be tortured.” Snapping out the words, I put my hands on my hips.
Eli stepped back from me with his mouth open, then closed it.
“Was I a game to you? Revenge?” Shaking my head with disgust, my voice came out like venom. “Why did you even seek me out in the first place, Eli?”
After a long pause of staring into each of my eyes, he swallowed. Before I could demand the answer again, his quiet voice filled the dead air. “I-I don’t know… Maybe I shouldn’t have.”
My heart flooded with pain as the tears that had abated came back like a tidal wave, chest so tight my breathing halted. Maybe he’d never wanted me. He didn’t have any of the answers I came here for. I felt used and completely betrayed by the one person in my life who had taken care of me. Like a daddy. And now, he was the cause of all my agony.
“You’re a monster.” Rearing back, I slapped him across the face. Unfazed, Eli stood there and took it, a red handprint quickly forming on his olive cheek. “I never want to see you again.”
Darting out the door, I scrambled up the hill, then hopped in my car. Flooring the gas, I sped away with a squeal of the tires. Before I could reach my house, I had to pull over. My sobbing wails made it impossible to drive. Once I collected myself, I made it to my house in a daze.
As soon as I was inside, I ripped my necklace off and threw it on the ground, then ran up to my bedroom and buried myself in pillows.
I was broken.
ChapterFourteen
ELI
Not only had I wrecked my life, Pete’s life, Kara’s life, and possibly others, I’d ruined Essa’s. And that destroyed me. What had I been thinking, trying to be with her? She was right; I was a monster.
Adon always said I was selfish, and he wasn’t wrong. Staying with Essa for so long, not breaking it off with her sooner, was purely to keep her with me out of my absolute need of her. But it only hurt us both in the end. My tortured ambivalence over the past few months had been too much to bear. One moment, I wanted to keep her for myself, and the next, I knew I should let her go. Detox had been a bad idea. Instead of trying to ease myself out of her life, giving her things to hold on to like the necklace, I should have cut the cord immediately. Maybe never contacted her in the first place.
The pain of her absence was overwhelming. After telling me she never wanted to see me again, I played sick for a week, skipping work until Adon got pissed off. Rhodes came down to my bedroom to check on me, but I pretended I had the flu and couldn’t get out of bed. If I left my room, I knew exactly where I would go.
When I finally went to work that next Monday, I had a shitty day. One where Adon kept having to yell at me for screwing up. As soon as I was done, I headed straight to The Armstead, the place I had avoided. It was calling to me like a dinner bell.
Shuffling in with a hoodie thrown over my work shirt, I slid onto a bar stool as Dix’s bright eyes caught hold of me. “Wow! Man, you look like shit.”
The dryness in my throat wanted to yell at him to hurry. Rubbing a hand over my face, I said, “Well, I feel like it. I need something. Give me some whiskey. Any Jack will do.”
Staring me down to see how serious I was, he finally nodded. “Sure, man. I’m cutting you off before too long, though.” He poured two fingers and slid the glass to me.
The place was mainly empty, being early on a Monday afternoon. I saw a guy in a motorcycle jacket and asked if I could bum a smoke, and he gave me one. Leaning over the counter, Dix lit it up for me.
“Smoke in here, I don’t give a shit. You look like you could use it.” Some relief from my agony eased my headache when he said it, as well as knowing Dix was behind the counter and not Davis, standing there with his judgmental eyes. Dixson let me smoke and sip my whiskey at the bar in peace, while he wandered down the bar to tend to the few other customers.
