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“And how are you, sweetie? How’s your job working out?”
“Well, actually, that’s why I’m calling.”
I told him about my audition and how I’d be moving to Vienna within a week. I had to assure him that the VTO was a solid company and that I’d be safe with them, so many miles away. I was nearly twenty-three years old, but distance seems to take years off a child in the eyes of a parent.
He whistled low. “I’m so proud of you. I’m a little sad you’ll be another few time zones over, but mostly, I’m proud of you. And I know your mother will be too.”
“Will you come and see me? We’ll be touring all over Europe. You pick a city and I’ll see about arrangements.”
“Of course, honey. Wouldn’t miss it. But what about your current position? Won’t they miss you too?”
I cleared my throat. “They’re very understanding.”
“Okay, love, you sound tired,” my father said. “You’ve had an exciting day. Get some rest and call us before you leave. I know your mom will have a million questions.”
“I will,” I said and felt tears well up in my eyes. Suddenly my dad seemed so far away. “I love you.”
“I love you, Charlotte. I’m happy for you. And I know that Chris would be too.”
My vision blurred in earnest. It was the first time my father had spoken of Chris without sounding as if he were breaking apart on the inside.
We’re all finding a way to move on, I thought after we’d hung up. And moving on, I realized, wasn’t the same as forgetting or even letting go. It was making a tentative peace with tragedy and doing the best we could forever after.
The next morning, I called Lucien and tendered my resignation, and the entire time I spoke to him, I strained to hear Noah’s voice in the background. More than once I had to hold myself back from asking Lucien to put him on.
But in the end, I couldn’t hang up without knowing.
“Lucien?”
“Yes, ma chérie?”
“Is he okay? Can you at least tell me that?”
“He’s fine, my darling girl,” Lucien replied, his voice thick.
“Okay,” I said, my own voice drowning in tears. “I just wanted to make sure. Tell him…” I swallowed hard. “Tell him I’ll wait. I will.”
“He will be overjoyed to hear that. Remember, please, that the best thing to do is rarely the easiest. For you or for him.”
I hung up, in a kind of numb shock, thinking being apart from Noah couldn’t possibly be the best thing for me. I’d leave for Vienna in four days. Was I not going to see or talk to him before then? It was unthinkable, but maybe this was what he wanted. That he meant what he said about keeping away from me until he could let his old life go and move on.
The house was too empty. I climbed into Noah’s bed instead of mine and snuggled down under his sheets, into his pillow. It still smelled of him and I inhaled deeply, clung to his pillow as if it were him and fell asleep immediately.
The next three days were spent with more packing and saying goodbye to old friends. Melanie and Regina threw a going-away party for me the Friday before. My Juilliard friends were there, and Anthony, and Samneric, and I began to miss them even before the night was over, Melanie and Anthony most of all.
“I’m not leaving forever,” I reminded everyone, including myself. “I’ll be back in September.”
“You know how these things go,” Melanie said. “Doors are going to open, and they might not all lead back to NYC.” She hugged me tight. “Go where it takes you and enjoy the hell out of it, okay?”
I left the party and walked to the subway station, taking it all in for the last time, this city that had been my home for five years. A glittering symphony of sound and light, steel and concrete, and teeming humanity, each person connected to the rest by the electric hum that couldn’t be felt anywhere else on earth.
chapter thirty-six
I stared at the ceiling. Or rather, I directed my eyes into the blackness above me as I lay on the bed in Lucien’s guest room. Since I’d left Charlotte, I hadn’t done a damn thing. My parents wanted to see me, but I had no desire to go to Connecticut and explain myPlanet Xfailure to them, nor had I figured out my grand plan. I lay around, wracking my brain for a solution to my problem that didn’t involve sitting behind a desk studying Braille, or learning cute fucking tricks for labeling food cans, or how to cook a meal without burning myself or the house down.
Then, Lucien got the call. Charlotte formally tendered her resignation as my assistant. I wanted to fly at Lucien and grab the phone, to hear Charlotte’s voice, even if it meant her cursing my name. But I glued myself to the couch with white-knuckled fists and listened. It was a short call, and when Lucian ended it, I heard him sigh.
“So?” I leaned forward. “She got it, right?”
