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In Venice, Sabina gave me a small solo with a promise of more to come. With every performance, I felt the music grow and bloom in me, my heart thawing from the longest winter. As an artist performing and perfecting her craft, in the cities of Europe that held so much of the musical history, I was having the time of my life.
Except for missing him. Always missing him. There were nights I played with my heart in my throat and tears staining the chinrest of my Cuypers violin. Noah hadn’t contacted me in more than a week, and I began to wonder if the violin was a parting gift. That wherever his journey toward wholeness took him, it didn’t include me.
But in Florence, nine days into the tour, I finally received word. I sat on my bed in the hotel while Annalie lay on the other, listening to the German industrial metal band, Rammstein.
“What?” she’d asked earlier, when I wrinkled my nose at the relentless sound blaring out of her air pods the one and only time I agreed to have a listen. “You don’t like?”
“It’s the exact opposite of classical music,” I’d teased.
She raised a brow. “Exactly.”
Now, she drummed on her leg while I scanned the email, drinking in every word like a woman dying of thirst.
Dear Charlotte,
Check me out, writing an email using the poor blind guy software my amazing girlfriend recommended. Sort of an act of faith, that this machine is dictating what I say and not making up some terrible, sappy poetry about how much I miss and love you. Because you know that’s not my style. I want to tell you in plain words, my heart ripped open, how much I miss and love you. I might not write to you enough, but it’s only because I’m not sitting on my ass. I’m working really fucking hard to make myself good for you, Charlotte. I sound like a broken record to myself, but all I can do is ask you to trust me, wait for me, and believe me when I say that I will not give up, and so not give up on us.
All my love forever,
Noah
Tears blurred my vision.Wait for me,he’d asked and so I would. I hastily typed,I will wait for you as long as it takes.
Then I shut the laptop, wiped my tears, and took a deep breath. Annalie pulled out an earbud.
“All is good?”
“I wouldn’t say good, but…”
“You miss your Noah very much,” she said, somehow loading that statement with empathy and compassion.
“I do. But I also trust him. So…?” I shrugged.
“Soyou wait,” Annalie said, “and one day you won’t have to wait anymore, yeah?”
I smiled. “Yeah. One day. But jeez, we’re always talking about my stuff. I’ve never asked if you have a boyfriend. Or girlfriend. Or just…someone special.”
Her brows came together. “I did. A year ago.”
“Was it…difficult?” I asked tentatively since her expression was unreadable.
She tilted her head from side to side. “A bit. Neither of us wanted to break up, but he was going one way, and I am here, with the tour. We know that we’d not be good people for each other if we tried to stick to it. Not good for our…” She searched for the word. “Souls. Not good for our souls to not do what we’re meant to do.”
“I’m sorry to hear that. But I totally know what you mean.”
She smiled. “I think you must.”
“Will you get back together when it’s over?”
Annalie shrugged. “Maybe. Maybe not. I don’t think there’s enough love there.” She looked at my eyes clouded with thoughts and doubts. “You are not like me. There’s plenty of love for your Noah, yes?”
I smiled, feeling lighter. “Yes.”
Lifetimes’ worth.
Annalie nodded. “You’re going to be okay, Conroy. No matter whathappens.”
chapter forty-two
