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That also didn’t help, but it did have the desired effect: they both fell silent. I was pretty sure the demon almost felloff, too, but he recovered his dignity, if one could call it that, and perched on my shoulder with his feet resting on my collarbone like he owned the place.
“I don’t suppose I can say, ‘no thanks’ and send you guys back to… uh… wherever?”
In the mirror, two tiny heads shook. The angel looked vaguely sympathetic. The demon looked highly amused.
Goddammit. You knew you were fucked when you were a lawyer and didn’t know a single argument or loophole to help you weasel out of a situation. I was way too well-versed in fae law to think I could technicality my way out of this.
I pressed my hands onto the cool edges of the sink and gave a resigned sigh. “Okay. Fine. What are the rules, then? How does this work?” I paused. “And are you guys just… always here until this is over?”
They both looked at me stupidly in the mirror.
“Where else would we be?” the angel asked.
“Um.” Okay, that was a fair question. “I don’t know? Somewhere other than…” I motioned at my shoulders. “Like do you take breaks? Do I get privacy?” I inclined my head. “Are you guys going to stick around until I finish getting laid? Because that might, uh… not help the situation.”
The angel rubbed his chin.
The demon groaned and seemed to roll his eyes—he was pretty small and my own eyes ached too much to focus—and then reached into the inside pocket of his black jacket. From there, he produced what I thought was a piece of parchment, and he peered at it as gingerly as if he were as hungover as I was. “Right. Right. Something, something, legalese…” He huffed and rolled his free hand as he apparently skimmed to the pertinent clause. “Ah! ‘Upon signee’s request, or no less than twice per day at assistants’ requests, the assistants will depart aforementioned signee’s presence for periods not to exceed fifteen minutes…’ blah, blah, blah…” He tilted his head from side to side as he kept reading, mumbling to himself, “Christ, can’t they ever write this shite inEnglish?”
The angel huffed. “Says the Scot.”
“Hey! Sod off!”
“I beg your pardon?”
I pinched the bridge of my nose. “Would someone just answer my damn question? Can you guys wait to argue until …” For fuck’s sake. Did this contract really include state-mandated fifteen-minute breaks for them? Then again, that gave me fifteen minutes of privacy, so I probably shouldn’t bitch. “Argue on your own time,” I growled. “And that’s it? Just… fifteen-minute increments a few times a day?”
The demon kept reading. He flipped to a second page and muttered to himself. Something about more legalese and just getting to the bloody point already.
The angel cupped his elbow and stroked his chin thoughtfully. “Doesn’t it say we’ll depart if he makes a connection with someone?”
I lifted my eyebrows. That sounded promising.
“Aye, it does.” The demon nodded. “The assistants and—” He waved a hand and lowered the agreement. “The English version is that when it looks like you’re about to get laid, we’re gone.”
The angel made an indignant sound. “It most certainly does not say something so crass.”
The demon waved the parchment pages. “Says the birdbrain who obviously doesn’t read the contractsorthe briefings.”
The angel’s indignation intensified to the point I swore it made that ear ring, but I spoke before he could.
“Okay, okay, but how exactly am I supposed to connect with someone if I’ve got…” I gestured at each of them.
More confusion. More poring over the tiny parchment.
I swore under my breath and rubbed my eyes again. How the hell was I supposed to connect with someone like this? Because nothing said“look how stable and put together I am”like unavoidable evidence you’d resorted tomagic. For anything. It was unattractive, undesirable, and un—
“Oh shit!” I straightened suddenly, barely noticing the way that made my head throb. “Canother people see you?”
The angel looked contemplative. The demon looked confused.
“Let me guess,” I grumbled. “You don’t know that either?”
They both shook their heads. The demon kept looking though the parchment, still shaking his head.
Oh no. Oh fuck.
“I can’t go to work like this!” My voice came out shrill and panicked. Which… I mean… the shoe fit. “Do you know what this will do to my reputation? I have two depositions this week! And I have to be incourton—I can’t just… Oh, Jesus Christ.”
