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The rest of the night became a blur. I’m not sure if I actually slept at all or just closed my eyes and zoned out. The sun’s rising, and we are about to stop for a driver change and to pick up breakfast. I have held off using a restroom, but there is no way I can drink coffee now if I don’t pee. I was too scared to leave the car in the dark while we’ve been traveling, but at least now I can see my surroundings.
It's a little chilly as I open the car door and slide my feet to the ground. It takes me a moment to actually get them to move. I have been sitting so rigid since we started driving that my muscles are tense.
We are at a small gas station just outside of a small town. I heard them say before that they never stop in big cities if they can avoid it. Too many surveillance cameras and traffic monitors. Better to stop in the little places in the middle of nowhere. And this is exactly as they described. A few gas pumps, one attendant in the shop that sells the basics, and the toilet is out back in the smallest little single room. At least it’s clean.
One of my drivers positions himself outside the door which makes me feel better but also self-conscious. You know how hard it is to pee quietly when you’ve been holding it in for hours? In the end, I just let it all go. It’s not like he can see me, and who knows if he is even listening anyway. Probably listening to some radio scanner in his ear, I wouldn’t have a clue. All I know is that both of them have earpieces in.
Washing up and settling back in the car, I get handed a couple of donuts and a coffee.
“Sorry, it’s not much, but they will have food for you once we reach the safe house.”
I’m probably the only human in America who doesn’t love a good donut, but it’s surprising what you will eat if you have no other choice.
“Thank you, I appreciate you getting me something.”
I try to stomach the donut before my coffee so I can wash the taste away.
I shouldn’t have bothered. The coffee tastes like what I imagine thick motor oil would taste like.
Trying not to think is hard, yet somehow, I manage to numb myself for the next few hours. It’s not as good as sleep would feel right now, but it’s all I’ve got. Until we are close to our destination and the voice of one of the agents pulls me from my daze to let me know we are getting close. I haven’t even paid attention to any towns we have driven through, but looking now, I wonder exactly where we are.
It looks suburban, with rows of average houses, one after another. People moving about their everyday tasks, oblivious to what is happening around them. I don’t know why that stands out to me because that is why I’m here, isn’t it? To blend in, so no one knows who I am or where I’ve come from.
Finally, we turn into a road where the houses start to spread out a bit more. The land around them is bigger, and as we slow down at the end of the street, we turn into a driveway that is longer than the rest, with no house to be seen. The car is now heading through a row of trees, and my heart wakes from its frozen state and my panic is back.
“Where… where are we?” My nerves make speech difficult. I don’t even know if I’m allowed to ask that.
“Your current safe house.” It's all the reply I get, for now. When he says current, does that mean I’m going to move again? I guess I’ll just have to wait to find out.
The trees open out to a small cottage with a porch along the front. It’s not anything to get excited about. White clapboard with green trim. The paint is faded, and the place looks weathered, like it hasn’t seen any tender love and care in a long time. But I suppose no one lives here long enough to worry about it.
All that surrounds the house is trees, no gardens or anything to make it distinctive. On the porch there is one lone thing, a chair, looking out of place there all by itself. A lot like me, completely out of place and already feeling so alone.
Something I will need to accept and get used to.
Pulling around the back of the house, there is another black SUV, much the same as the one we're in. Seriously, like that doesn’t look weird, two luxury cars at a rundown cottage in the middle of a very middle-class suburb. And then I see finally a more normal vehicle for what I would expect here. A blue Toyota that looks like it has seen better days.
The car pulls to a stop at the back of the house.
The donuts and disgusting coffee are threatening to come back up from my stomach before I even manage to get out of here. I’m not sure I can move, it’s like I’m frozen with fear. As much as my mind is telling my hand to reach out and open the door, I don’t know if I can even do that simple task.
“Wait here,” the agent in the passenger seat tells me as he leaves us here.
Watching him walk into the house, I hold my breath that it’s only the good guys in there. I know I need them, and they are doing their job, but I would be devastated if something were to happen to any of them because of me.
Finally, after what feels like an eternity, the agent walks back out the door and straight to my side of the car.
Opening up my car door and looking to the driver, he says, “All clear.” It's enough for the driver to finally turn off the motor and undo his seatbelt. I guess he was here if we needed to make a quick getaway.
“Time to get out now, ma’am.” He's looking at me, waiting for a response.
If it was just that easy, I would be moving by now.
Come on, Leah, you can do this. You already made the hardest step yesterday. From now on, it is just one foot in front of the other foot until it’s over.
Because I have to believe there will be an end date.
One day I will walk away from all of this and never have to look over my shoulder again. When that day will be, that is the big question, but it will be a better day than today.
