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The only thing for certain is that she is no longer part of Nicholas’s life, and that makes me happy.
My passport is starting to look like I dreamed of when I was a little girl, where it tells a story of my adventures. The journal I always knew I would write, however, is not like I imagined it would be but is more a book full of my thoughts I wish I could share with Nicholas of everything I see. What the food is like and how much he would long for tastes and smells of the little street restaurants that are the true secrets of the countries I’ve visited.
Next week it’s Christmas, and I miss my family and Lou, but I know where I am going to be instead of home. If I can’t be in London, where I long to be in his arms, then I will be in the only other place I feel close to Nicholas—Rome.
That first day we spent together, walking, holding hands, seeing the sights. It was the place where he finally gave into his intense desire and kissed me in a way that told me right then and there that there was no turning back. I was his, he just needed to take me.
When I arrived in Rome on the train, I felt so emotional that I needed some comfort. There was one place I knew that I could afford to eat, and it was Pepe’s Place where Nicholas and I ate that night. We laughed as we enjoyed each other’s company, learning small amounts about each other, with what he was willing to share. It’s Nicholas’s favorite restaurant in Rome. Sitting at a table outside on the patio, I can see his hotel and just dream of him, because there is no way I can afford a room there for the night. It was a world that I briefly lived in, but alas, it wasn’t for my budget.
Partway through the night while I was sipping on the one glass of wine I had allowed myself, Angelina and Pepe appeared out of the kitchen to say hello. Angelina had noticed me from the kitchen and came rushing out to hug me. A few broken words in English later and they had insisted that I stay in the little apartment above the restaurant for a few nights. It was their daughter’s place, but she had gone to visit her boyfriend’s family in Sicily for Christmas, so it was empty. It felt strange, but I wasn’t about to let free accommodation pass me by when my funds were running low. I needed to pick up some more work, and I would after Christmas, but for now I just wanted to be here and to soak it all up. To reinvigorate my soul so I can push forward again, living on my memories of my man.
I have spent today on the bus we traveled on, taking photos and taking the time to write in my journal at each stop. My words are full of what I see around me, combined with how I feel deep inside. I wish I had met Sally before I left London because I feel like we would have a lot in common now. She would understand the words and fears that I write down often, questioning how I felt in those few weeks. Were my feelings real, and how was it possible to fall so hard so fast? Maybe it was all one-sided and I truly was just a plaything to him like I worried in the beginning.
Some nights it makes it hard to sleep with worry. But when I close my eyes, I can remember his touch and the way he made me feel treasured, even in the times he totally controlled me in the best possible way. Never did he make me think he wasn’t genuine. But probably the most telling memory of how real we were together was the fear in his eyes when I made him feel something intense. Not just any feelings but to really feel something for me, deep in his soul.
That was when I knew I had him. He was mine then.
I just hope after my decision to leave, that he still is now.
I’ve left my last stop of the day to be the Trevi Fountain because I know it will be full of emotions for me. I never told him what I wished for that day we visited here together, but he made it come true anyway. Wishing to find love was a wasted wish when he was already standing right in front of me.
Standing here again, but sadly alone this time, it just doesn’t feel the same. Instead, I take the time to sit here and truly take in my surroundings. I was so overwhelmed last time with Nicholas beside me and sparks that had been zinging all day, that I didn’t appreciate the beauty.
Watching people come and go, both young and old, throwing their coins and making their wishes is comforting to me. I hope that they, too, have their dreams come true.
I have been twirling and rubbing the coin in my hand since I sat down here, just wondering what I should wish for this time. Nicholas gave me two coins to pick from that first day to throw over my shoulder. I tried to give one back to him, but he insisted I keep it because it might come in handy one day. Both were Australian fifty-cent pieces that are an odd shape, that he later explained were a dodecagonal shape, twelve-sided. It’s a coin with sharp edges, a lot like Nicholas’s personality, so he thought they suited him, which has me smiling now at that thought. I asked him why he knew that useless piece of information about the name, which he informed me was one of the few facts he remembered learning at school, and then I wanted to know what made him keep them in his wallet. I thought it gave an insight into who he was when he answered in a quiet voice, like he was giving out a secret about himself, that he always wanted to keep a piece of home with him.
I loved that money hasn’t changed him and there is a soft side hiding inside that hopefully he will learn to let out more often.
The coin was still in the plastic sleeve with my passport where I placed it when we got home from Rome. So, I have been carrying this piece of him, my home, with me on my travels this time too.
I didn’t think I would ever part with it, but being back in Rome for a few days and now here in this spot, I’ve realized you can’t live in the past. Memories bring comfort, but they won’t help me grow. I have to let go of him to move forward, and this coin is a symbol of the hold he has over me still. I’m not the woman I was when we first met, and that is because of him. He made me discover parts of myself I never knew existed, but he also pushed me to walk away so I could grow. I know that now. If I hadn’t left, we would have eventually exploded apart in spectacular fashion, because we weren’t ready. I can’t blame him, we both had paths to travel, in totally different directions, and I’m glad that I didn’t push aside my dreams to travel, that have now led me here.
It's time for me to make my wish and move forward.
The daylight has started to vanish and the cool of nightfall has crept up on me, which means there are now fewer people around. It’s perfect. The quiet of just a few voices instead of the loudness of the crowd before is so much more calming as I stand with my back to the fountain.
Closing my eyes, I grapple with the words in my head. I try to change my wish at the last minute, but I keep coming back to the same words. The universe is telling me that it’s the only wish I have inside me, so why am I changing it?
I rub my thumb over and over the coin in my fingers, across the pointy edges that I just can’t seem to let go. Taking a deep breath, I say the same words I said that first day, just this time with a few extra words to give more truth to them.
“I wish for a lifetime of messy, soul-gripping, deep, dominating love.”
And as I raise my hand toward my shoulder, with tears rolling down my face, a strong hand grasps mine, and before I can open my eyes, the words I have longed to hear awaken my heart again. “I’m yours, heart, body, and soul, and nothing in between us.”
He pulls me into his arms so quickly I’m struggling to breathe in the best possible way. “I didn’t believe in love until you. You made me love you, Victoria, and now I can’t live without you. Makeusyour forever wish.”
The tears are now flowing freely, and without needing to say a word, I again lift my hand, with his wrapped around my wrist, and close my eyes as I throw the coin over my shoulder, telling him out loud, “I love you, forever,” knowing that my dream has already been answered.
His lips are on mine, with the roughness and intense longing I missed, because soft and gentle is not our way of doing this. He claims me all over again, and I know we are both remembering what the taste of our crazy is like. He doesn’t care who’s around us, because he’s telling me what I already knew. I’m his, and I have always been his.
Breaking apart, he takes my face in his hands and holds me so close. The seriousness is radiating from him. “I’m never letting you go again. Please forgive me, Victoria, and I promise you, this will all have been been worth it.” His eyes are not like I imagined they would be when he finally said these words. He has lost the panic, and all I see now is a longing to be loved.
Kissing me again, he drops his arms to wrap me up and hold me close. He has always needed touch to allow himself to be vulnerable.
“I knew you would come for me, but what took you so long?” I ask, laying my head onto his chest. I hear the familiar sound of his heart thumping just for me.
His deep laugh radiates through his body, and before I know what’s happening, my feet are off the ground and he is twirling me around.
