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After I found out about my father, I finally sat down and had a very deep conversation with my mum. It was information I didn’t want to know before, because just the thought of him brought so much anger to me, but when I finally let myself be open to hearing about him, I learned how hard he fell for my mother in the first few days. Feelings that were big enough that he was prepared to give up all of this to be with her. To leave his family, fortune, and his home.
Now dressed, I walk downstairs asking myself the same question.
If I needed to give all of this up to keep her, what would be my answer?
I know what it would be, but if I say it out loud, then I become vulnerable, and I just can’t do that yet. Too much is at stake.
Standing in the kitchen waiting, my phone starts vibrating with a FaceTime call from Mum. I should ignore it because I know Victoria will be down any moment, but I just can’t. Mum will be waking up to the shitstorm that I’m sure is all over social media by now, and I don’t want her worrying any more than she already is. I’m concerned about her, and this is just adding to it. And it infuriates me that I can’t get on a plane and go home to check on her. No matter how much I push her, she won’t tell me if there is something wrong with her. It's frustrating the hell out of me.
As I swipe to answer the call, Victoria’s voice is in my head screaming at me that it must be where I get it from.
Christ, now she is in my head chastising me without even being in the room!
“Mum,” I say, trying to smile and not let her know what is going on here.
“Richard Nicholas Weston Darby! Why am I finding out on the internet that you have a girlfriend and not from you!”
What is it with the women in my life screaming at me today. For fuck’s sake!
But if I’m honest, I was so wrapped up with getting Victoria out of London before she was harassed, I didn’t think about telling Mum that part of the story. She knew about the drugs, but at the time, Victoria wasn’t in the picture.
Who am I kidding? From the moment she spat her cup of tea over me, she’s never not been in the picture.
“Calm down, Mum. It’s not what you think.” I don’t even know what it is, so how do I explain it to Mum? Plus, I don’t want to give her false hope. She will have me married and fathering ten children before I even blink.
“What do you mean it’s not what I think. I saw the pictures. You are practically eating that poor girl alive in that alley. I can feel the heat from here. You remind me of your father with that stance. So dominant.” I can see her mind is back in her memories.
“Nope, do not go there. I’ve told you before I don’t want to hear about my parents’ sex life.” Taking a seat on the kitchen stool, I look around at a place that normally calms me, but today, I’m not sure anything can settle my inner turmoil.
“Oh, Nic, I wasn’t going to give you the details, but you can’t deny the lust that is in that picture.” As she waits for me to answer, I know I could lie to her, but surprisingly, I don’t want to. I need help, and Mum is the only one who truly knows me. She’s lived my life of turmoil and supported me through it all, the good and the bad.
“Fair point.” My sigh gives away how I’m feeling.
“Talk to me, Nic. Don’t let it eat at you. We know what that does to you, and it’s not healthy.” She is waiting for me to speak, but I don’t know what to say. “It’s okay to let yourself feel, Nic. You need to stop fearing what will happen if you do.”
“I’m not right for her, she deserves more than what I can offer.” And that is the bottom line in this whole internal debate. All the money in the world can’t fix my fucked-up personality and give her the emotionally stable man she wants.
“I know we aren’t talking about lifestyle here, because you could give her the world, but she wants more, doesn’t she. She wants you, even the parts you have always been afraid to give.”
“Why am I talking to you about this? I hate when you see past my blocks that everyone else backs away from. She is just like you. Drives me so damn wild, pushing like you do.” Standing, I start to pace the kitchen.
“Nic, sit down and stop pacing. You need to finally let this go. You are not your father, although in so many ways, you are exactly like him. Strong, demanding, controlling, stubborn, and arrogant at times. But what you won’t let anyone see is the softness, kindness, loyalty, and protective love you have been hiding since you were old enough to understand about your father disappearing from you. It’s time you let someone in, and the fact that we are even talking about this woman means she is the one who has gotten through that wall.”
Why, for once, is my Mum making so much sense?
“I hardly know her,” I say, trying to make her understand my turmoil.
“Your father told me he loved me the third day we were together. You Darby men fall hard and fast. And in case your stubborn head has forgotten, I was the furthest thing from the right kind of woman for your dad and his lifestyle. But we worked. Oh God, did we work…”
“Mum… remember the rules,” I say, laughing at her with such a smile on her face.
My smile drops as I sober. “That may have been you both, but we fight more than we talk. She has the sassiest mouth on her. She won’t back down from anything, and it infuriates me. And when she is backed against a wall, she comes out swinging to protect me, even to the detriment of herself. We will kill each other if I take this any further.”
“Oh, I bet the sex is off the charts.”
“Fuck me!” Plonking myself back onto the stool, I drop my head into hands after standing the phone up against the fruit bowl. “You did not just imagine my sex life. I can’t even deal with you sometimes.”
“Sex is natural, Son, and I’m not sure you have heard everything about your father and me in our time together. It was only such a short time, but for me, it was like a lifetime. Sure, you have heard all the great things, but it wasn’t like that all the time. We were polar opposites. We fought a lot too, but like they say, opposites attract. He was used to getting everything his own way and wanted all the control. And yes, I did love that at times too, if you get my drift, but there was no way I was putting up with him being such an asshole all the time. We worked at it, and my free spirit calmed his heat when we needed it to. But I never felt as loved and protected as I did when he took me in his arms and stared down any man who even looked sideways at me. We worked in a way that no couple should have, and we would have worked forever if life didn’t have other plans for us.”
