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It makes as much sense as the words in the bathtub.
It makes sense that they were telling me rather than asking before leaving me to die, but we’re missing their point.
"How did you find me?" I knew the level of resources at Knox's disposal, so I never doubted he was coming, but I understand how lucky I am that he turned up at the hotel room in time.
"That isn't important now." Knox adjusts his tight grip on the steering wheel.
"Talking will help you." And it will help me understand the reason for the scariest moment of my life. Well, second if I consider how frightened losing my mother should have been.
Should have been.
But it wasn't. I lost my humanity long before I lost my mother. I realised life and death had no meaning on the train. It was supposed to represent a new start and a better life, but watching all those people die from the cold changed me. I became the perfect torturer because I'd already listened to the begging voices of the dying, and I'd been unmoved to give them my warm blanket then. I became a monster that day. "Listening will help me."
"We were very lucky," Knox admits.
So was I, I suppose.
My mum raised me with nothing. Everything we had was someone else's. Clothes. Food. Life.
She was an emotionless woman, cunningly surviving at the expense of others. She taught me well; I mastered what she learnt. So, when it came to sheltering in other people’s suitcases on the train, I had no guilt. When I took the blankets from the dying woman, I didn't care. She was blue and still, it wasn't going to save her, but it saved me.
Knowing who my dad is won't change me. Knowing Porter has changed me. Porter saved me for no reason other than kindness, only asking for me to like him in return. That is why I am in this car. I will do anything to get Porter back. For that I need to know all the things Knox is hiding about me.
"OK, fine. Porter found out Gavriil recorded the poker games."
"How did Porter know?"
“He mentioned his poker nights and we visited his gambling buddies."
"How did they know about the camera?"
"Well… They… They just knew."
"They should not have. Why would they come if they knew Gavriil record them, so I show the tells."
"I don't know," Knox confesses.
"How did Porter know Gavriil gambles?" These are all emotionless facts that put events into place. Knox's worry for Porter is stopping him from seeing this as the bigger picture. Knox didn't work out where I was, he was spoon-fed the information, and we need to know the common source to work out who is behind this.
"Freddie told him I think."
"Freddie?"
Freddie helped them get me back. His hatred for Gavriil doesn't mean he'd wish me dead, or even Gavriil but I don’t like his connection to all this.
"Please tell me what I am not seeing. You did not know where to find me before Freddie’s words?"
"No. We had nothing for three days. Then Freddie told Porter about the gambling. The Russian buddies told me about the camera. From there it was easy. The men were on the camera. They booked the hotel under their own names."
"Why was camera recording?"
They were meant to find me. Whoever did this wanted me found and left a trail of breadcrumbs. The camera, the hotel booking, the message I was given.
"Knox. The words were a message to you. They mean nothing to me. You were supposed to find the camera. You were supposed to find me. I was supposed to give you the clue. When you didn’t, you were given a nudge from Freddie. He or someone else told the Russians about the camera."
"If you're right, how the hell am I supposed to work out your message?" Knox looks at me. Taking his eyes off the road, even for that one second means he’s taking me seriously.
"You are not. I was supposed to remember an English sentence, not the sounds I heard over the fear of my situation."
