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Shit. I usually run from the changing room to the pool because of my sister. This is the first time I've thought about her since I saw into Knox's playroom. I can’t think about the playroom now with all these people here and I shouldn’t think about my sister. Caeo and Gladys are here on the side so Nico doesn't feel like hehasto go in the pool this time. Knox seems to think it will take several sessions in here, and that if Nico wants to spend the whole time on the side today, he can watch us without being alone. We want to make Nico feel comfortable if he chooses not to get wet. But it means I'll be coming here to swim with Knox rather than fool around. With this in mind, I do a few arm stretches.
"Is we going in?" Nico mutters.
"When you are ready." I cruelly blame him for the delay here.
"We can close door. I not like open behind me."
I want to quip back about him living outside, surrounded by 'open' but again, that feels cruel. He is understandably jumpy about the open door behind us and not being able to see back into the hall. He was grabbed from behind and dragged away from Gavriil. Just like I was grabbed from behind and dragged away from here. I let the door slam shut behind us in a moment's burst of trauma. My hand clings to Nico's in the way I've clung to him since we found him. I latched onto someone weaker than me and used him to make me feel strong in this family of killers.
"Which one is dealing with trauma here?" Caeo calls.
"Both," Knox growls possessively.
Oh, my goodness, that growl.
My reaction makes me a cruel bastard again. I want to be everything I was trying to avoid. I didn’t want to be known as Knox's pet or slave. I wanted to be able to stand beside him as an equal, especially around the household staff. But it's exhausting, and I've needed Nico as a security blanket. Even when he was missing, I used finding him to make me stronger. Now I know I am weak, and that is what Knox loves about me. My job isn't to stand as his equal. It's to watch cartoons in my onesies and be a brat, so Knox has a reason to take me to the playroom - to our playroom and show me everything.
"Porter?"
"Yes, sorry."
"It's OK. Thinking about Nico's trauma is bound to affect you."
Knox is waiting in the shallow stepped entry, holding the handrail. His hand extends out, and I walk forward. Despite his unabating grip on my hand, it feels like I'm walking away from Nico. I have to let him go, but not until he is ready to be set free.
Nico follows me, gripping tightly until we reach the side of the pool.
I stop with him, and though Knox takes Nico's other hand, he doesn’t pull him.
Nico stands with his toes just on the water's edge, just feeling the water.
"It is warm," he mutters, a note of surprise in his voice.
"It is. And unlike a bath, it will stay warm for as long as you need it." I take another step into the pool, sinking in a little so the petite torturer is now taller than me.
"I will just wait here a little." Nico pulls his hands free, but I fight him on it.
"Come on Porter, let's show him how nice it is." Knox puts his hand over mine and pulls it from Nico. "Nico has all the time in the world."
Knox pulls me out until I'm swimming.
"Porter. You must realise, for Nico, just hearing the sound of the water is enough."
I nod, but I don’t want this to be enough. I want to hold his hand as he wades out into the deeper water, tell him what a brave boy he is being, and enjoy his smile as he conquers his fear of water. I need to turn him back into the vibrant brat he was in the warehouse that day so I can set him free. He isn’t a donkey I've rescued from a terrible life. He's an injured bird who just needs protection from cats until he can fly again. Or some weird metaphorical shit.
I don't want to stand here watching him motionless on the top of the steps, looking malnourished and sick in my blue trunks. The only colour to him are the red lines the rope wore into his skin, and the blue lines on the carrier bag wrapped around his plaster cast.
He jumps more than I do to the sound of the doorbell.
"It's just Edward," Caeo calls, rising up with the camera view on his phone. He freezes suddenly, remembering my trauma "Ah. What do you want me to say?"
Nico declares something important and foreign in a high pitched squeal, and then runs into the water. I hurry to him, expecting him to panic and drown. Knox thinks the same, but Nico manages to swim fairly effectively. Doggy paddle, of course, but definitely not drowning.
"I'll tell him now isn't convenient," Caeo announces.
"He will tell you and you will not want me," Nico splutters, water covering his mouth as he tries to speak.
Knox pulls Nico to the side so the boy can hold the rail. I grab the rail myself, the sound of a gunshot going off in the back of my mind. This is why I shouldn't try to adopt others. I want to drown in my own feelings towards Edward, and have Knox save me. I want him comforting me, not Nico. Which is why I have to be strong for Nico so he can go free.
