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“Because I survived. Someone else might not have walked out of that house.” She pauses for a moment, and then she says, “And who knows where I’d be today, if I hadn’t been there?”
“You’d be with me.”
“Maybe. Probably. But—”
“You’d be with me.” I need her to say it. I need her to know it as thoroughly, as completely as I do.
“You’re right,” she says. “I’d be with you, no matter what.”
She’s saying the words I want to hear, exactly what I asked for. That should be right. That should be enough.
But it isn’t, and I don’t know how to ask for what I need.
She flexes her fingers between mine. “Okay?” And then, “It’s been a crazy long day. Can we go home now?”
“Of course.” I start the car and pull out into the street. It only takes an hour and a half to get home. But by the time I park the Range Rover in the garage, I realize the truth I’ve been trying to avoid for at least the past week.
I’m losing her.
And I don’t know what to do.
23
ALIX
* * *
Icouldn’t tell Trap last night. He wouldn’t understand.
When he helped me into the car, when he joked about our little train station game, that’s all it was to him—something to laugh about. Something to get turned on by, just like he gets excited by ropes and gags and floggers.
But for me, it was something different. It was embarrassing. Degrading.
It shouldn’t be. Trap and I play roles. That’s what brought us together in the first place—our mutual need for secret, kinky sex.
I trust him in the bedroom. I know he’ll never force me to do anything I don’t want to do with my body.
But with my mind?
I’m not as sure.
And thinking about that as we sat in the car, as we ate our dinner, as we made the long drive back to the freeport… it made me sad. Sad and scared—because I don’t know where this relationship is going. What happens if I can’t play Trap’s games? What happens if I just don’t want to?
And there was something else that worried me last night. When Throck called, when we got the best news we could possibly hope to get, I wanted to share it with someone else.
I wanted to share it with Leo.
My entire life, I shared good news with my brother. Good grades—Mom and Dad took us out for ice cream. Given a solo in the eighth-grade choir concert—Leo celebrated with me in the school hallway. Getting into Sherman—Leo bought me a blue-and-green sweatshirt.
It’s messed up, I know. Two weeks ago, I wanted to torture him, to kill him.
But now I feel like we’ve got a second chance. Or maybe a ninth chance, since he’s been to rehab eight times before?
I know how that sounds. Every time I’ve said something like this in the past, I’ve lost someone—my family, my friends, my former fiancé. Now I’m terrified my brother will cost me Trap.
But things are different now.I’mdifferent now. And after the past three years of hell, Leo must have changed too. That’s the only way all of this makes sense.
I’m desperate for Trap to agree. I want him to say yes to the plan that kept me up all night. But first things first: I have to get past Susan Richards.
