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“How are you, Polly? How are you?” she repeats five more times.
I’m not sure I could handle an obnoxious parrot, although she listens better than some men I’ve dated.
Polly balks a few times and after turning in circles on Tim’s shoulder, settles down facing away from me. It takes me a moment to figure out why she turned her back, but when I see her staring down Harry, it all becomes clear.
Ah yes. I’d keep an eye on Harry too, if I were a bird.
Tim reaches up and strokes Polly’s back. “Polly baby, sing your new song for Livvy. Sing your song.”
Polly balks again, continuing to watch the cat. “Livvy has nice tits. Livvy has nice tits.”
What?
While I’m recalling that parrots onlyparrot—in other words, repeat what they’ve heard—Tim’s face turns bright red and he chokes on something.
Really?
He waves his hand in ano big dealfashion and giggles. “Crazy bird. I don’t know where she comes up with half the things she says.” His laugh is high and squeaky. I bet he wishes the floor would open up and swallow him.
Hell,Iwish the floor would open up and swallow him, too.
He grabs some of the special birdseed we carry, especially formulated fortalkingparrots, and when I hand him his bag, he slips me a postcard-sized flyer.
“What’s this?” I ask, turning it over in my fingers.
It was one of those club invites that people hand out on street corners. The ones I never take.
He bounces in his shoes a little, his embarrassment of a moment before forgotten. “I’m performing at a comedy club, Livvy,” he says with pride.
Oh yeah. He told me he was in an improv class.
“You’re performing in clubs now? Cool,” I say, knowing I’ll throw away the card as soon as he leaves.
He takes it back from me and points to a small line of text. “You see, if you use this card, you can get in for ten percent off. Whaddya say we meet there?”
I have so many questions.
“Um… well, I don’t really—”
“Look, Livvy, I’ve been wanting to ask you out for a while. And I thought, well, I thought that with the ten percent off coupon, you wouldn’t be able to say no.”
Ten percent off of paying my own way on a date to a comedy club I don’t want to go to with a man I couldn’t be less interested in?
There is so much wrong here.
While I struggle to say something, anything, he takes a step closer, like he’s going to share something confidential. Thank God the cash wrap desk is between us. Still, I can smell his coffee breath. It’s not pleasant.
“I get in for free since I’m performing,” he continues. “I don’t get paid, newbies like me never do, so the free entrance is sort of like payment. You know?”
I try to nod and show I understand, but all I do is rock forward from the waist like some sort of stiff-limbed zombie.
“Okay, then,” he says, giving Polly a nice stroke down her back.
Harry’s in his predator crouch, so I put my hand on him, pretending to stroke his fur, but really restraining him in case he gets an idea about pouncing. I’ve never seen him go after any animal in the store, not yet, anyway. I thought he was too cool to do that, but now I’m realizing he can’t be trusted. He is a killer, and that’s not good.
“See ya, Livvy,” Tim says, heading for the door. Before he’s gone, he turns back. “Say thank you, Polly. Thank Livvy for the yummy birdseed.”
She glances sideways at me as she rocks from one leg to the other on his shoulder, then squawks and lets loose again. “Livvy has nice tits. Livvy has—”
