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Lily and Hanna come in with some bags of groceries and unpack the items. I make the bottles quickly, and Hanna and I haven’t even said hello yet. We aren’t fighting, but this is exactly what I mean. We just get caught in a routine and have a hard time breaking it.
I smell the soup Hanna starts, but just before I can compliment her, she’s already moving on.
“Hello, my babies,” she coos, coming to me and taking Scotty so she can help feed them. “I’m making a new recipe for a fall soup I found, and I got us some bread bowls to have with them,” she tells both Lily and me.
“Sounds great, baby,” I tell her, and Lily seconds the sentiment.
“How about you pick a fun Halloween movie, Lil-bear, and then we can watch it together once the soup is ready?”
I look at Hanna’s profile, and she’s smiling as she watches Lily, while our daughter browses the children’s section of Halloween movies on the TV app.
She is so fucking stunning. Her hair is longer than it’s ever been. The blonde with brown lowlights is in curls that fall to the lower part of her back, and her green eyes sparkle.
Fuck, I want her.
I miss her.
I crave her.
I need her.
She’s talking to Lily as I start to enter a hazy fog that is consumed with my wife. The way my heart feels tight as I watch her be a mother. The way my soul calls to its mate. And the way my cock needs her tightness. Her desire. Her wild and hard fucking.
“You okay, Theo?”
I snap out of my torture spiral. I’ve never been like this. Out of control and without any fucking idea what to do with us. I’m in my late-thirties now, and I’m starting to worry that maybe Hanna doesn’t want me the way she did before. Maybe I don’t do it for her anymore. My palms begin to dampen when the overwhelming feeling of uncertainty plays its wicked game.
Am I not enough for her anymore? Can I not satisfy her needs like I used to?
What in the fuck is wrong with me right now? Is this some sort of prelude to a fucking midlife crisis? I’ve never known what being insecure is like. I’ve never experienced it until now. And it isn’t in my nature to beg my wife to validate me, but I’m not above it. Hanna needs to make me feel like I’m enough, because I feel like I’m slipping away from her—or more like she’s slipping away from me. Does she desire something else, something I lost when I lost a little bit of who I am, when I lost the ability to navigate my life?
“Yes, just work stuff going on. Sorry.”
“Okay. You want to talk about it?”
I debate heavily if I should just tell her we need to talk tonight or if I just need to keep this to myself and do better at being the man she once craved and desired. The one she needed more than her next breath. The type of man she melted for.
I refuse to let Hanna need someone else. I refuse to let her lose her desire for me. Her lust for me must still beat inside her.
This is all new to me. The insecurities. The self-doubt. I’ve neglected Hanna emotionally and sexually, and by doing that, I’ve also deprived myself of the greatest luxury I own. My Hanna. My puppet.
Being without her is like being a dehydrated man in a drought. I claw through the dry sand, start to get to her, but just like a mirage of water on the horizon, the closer I try to get, the farther away she becomes. We are both experiencing this new life together. How can we find the center of our gravity again?
Because I’m growing feral for her.
I can’t keep going like how we’ve been. I feel her slipping, and it’s all because the touches aren’t like they were before. We can’t truly be us unless we’re unhinged lovers. If we don’t find that again, I fear we’ll never get it back. And I want. It. Back.
“Theo? Seriously, what is going on?” she calls for my attention, and I blink a few times, looking over at her sitting on the couch.
“What?” I ask, sitting down next to her.
“You keep fading out and going somewhere.”
I shake my head and look from her to the twins and Lily, then back to Hanna. Shit. Her emerald eyes look leery, and I hate that.
“Sorry, I’m just thinking about everything. We can talk later when there aren't any ears around.” Knowing I mean the kids, she just nods and reaches over, taking my hand in hers and rubbing it gently.
“Okay.” With a half-smile on her face, her touch shoots right through me like a lightning bolt.
