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This is too real.
I can't take it.
I close my eyes and try to inhale calm. I need her. I do.
And that's terrifying.
She notices my stiffness. My other stiffness. "Hey." She shifts back on my thighs, breaking contact with my hand. "Are you okay?"
That's the million-dollar question, but I have the same answer I always do. I don't know what the hell it means to be okay anymore.
I want to dissolve in this. I want to lose myself. The way I lost myself in alcohol.
Only this is different. That dulled the rest of the world. This brings the room into sharp focus.
The flecks of amber in Cassie's green eyes. The olive tone of her skin. The mauve color of her lips without any adornment.
"Let's slow down." She runs her fingers over my jawline. "Why don't you tell me what you want me to do."
"You're perfect."
Confusion fills her eyes.
I have to explain this to her. But I can't tell her the full story. I can't tell anyone. Not yet. I reach for the closest thing I have. "It's overwhelming."
She nods with understanding and looks around the room. "Did you bring my purse?"
Does she have a press in case of male failure button in there? "Yeah." I motion to the lyric-covered desk.
She shifts off me, moves to the desk, grabs something from her bag. Her phone. She taps the screen a few times.
Music fills the room. A college rock band I loved when I was a kid.
"Does that work?" She turns to me. "Or do you prefer something more traditional?"
"What does Cassie Steele consider traditional sex music?"
"Emo music, obviously. It's all about how men are desperate to contain the sexuality of their ex."
"You revel in their pain?" The joke eases the tension in the air. The room is less charged. But it eases the tension in my shoulders too. This isn't as overwhelming.
"What's hotter than that?" She smiles and runs her fingers over her phone. "It depends on my mood. On the person."
"What about right now?" It's easy to talk about music with her. It turns the world into a place that makes sense.
"Right now, I want to play whatever would make you feel comfortable."
Has she always been this considerate?
"Does this work?" She motions to the music pouring from the stereo.
It's a sweet suggestion, but it doesn't work. This album is tied to too many memories. I need something safer. Something that doesn't say Damon Webb is a fuckup. "The Matrix."
"What?" She laughs. "The movie?"
"EDM with a bondage club vibe, yeah," I say.
"When have you ever listened to EDM without a bondage club vibe?"
A laugh spills from my lips. She's right. And she's making this easy.
Cassie stares at her cell, carefully picking an option. When she finds it, she hits play, and an electronic beat fills the room.
It's sexy in that industrial way.
My shoulders relax.
My stomach too.
She was right. This is what I need.
She's what I need.
That's terrifying too. More terrifying and less terrifying at the same time.
Cassie sets her cell on the table and turns her attention to me. "How's that?"
"Perfect. Come here."
"Are you sure?"
I reply by standing and meeting her at the desk.
She looks up at me as I wrap my arms around her waist. She moans as I pull her into a soft, slow kiss.
Again, the sensation of Cassie overwhelms me. The taste of her lips, the scent of her skin, the softness of her body. This time, I sink into it. I let it flow through me. Let it find a balance.
She breaks our kiss with a sigh. "Do you have a condom?"
"In my room, yeah."
"Too far." She reaches for her purse again. Pulls a foil packet from it. A three-pack.
"Ambitious."
"Always." She tears off one packet and tosses it on the bed. "Usually, I'm handing them out to friends, not using them myself."
"Don't feel embarrassed about it."
"I don't," she says.
My lips curl into a smile. I love how little shit she takes from me. No one is this willing to challenge me. "I like that you're selective."
"I didn't do it for your approval."
"I love that you said that." I bring my lips to hers. This time, I kiss her hard. I part my lips. I scrape my teeth against her flesh.
Again, it overwhelms me.
Again, I let the sensations flow through me, sink deeper. It is easier with the music. I get lost in it without thinking. I remember how it feels to lose myself in something productive and beautiful, something that won't destroy me.
I bring my hand to her chest and toy with her with soft circles of my thumb. Again and again, until she's groaning against my mouth. Until she's as lost as I am.
Cassie undoes the knot of my tie. Then the buttons of my shirt. She nearly throws the fabric off my chest.
I undo my belt and do away with my slacks.
