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“Where are we going?” I ask him. “We should be heading back to the school now.”
“I know,” he says, glancing at me over his shoulder, heading into the low sun. “I just wanted to take you to the barn. To the past. I want to get things right.”
Chapter 27
Brom
Kat stares at me from Snowdrop, the golden sun reflecting on her face and making her look like she did in the glen, like a goddess coming into her own power. There’s apprehension in her eyes, but it’s been there all day, not that I can blame her. She’s worried that I’m going to turn into the horseman once it gets dark, even though we will be back at the school by then. She’s also worried about whatever Famke had told her in the kitchen, information she hasn’t had a chance to share with me yet.
And she’s also worried about where I’m leading her.
To the barn.
Because I want another chance to set things right.
Because for the last four years, all I’ve wanted with her was a chance to set things right.
She doesn’t say anything as we ride, and I’m not sure if this is her putting her trust in me or not, but I want that trust more than anything. Earlier she had said that she was my family, I just had to choose to believe it, but it’s hard to believe when someone doesn’t have faith in you.
And one of the reasons she doesn’t trust me, besides the obvious, is because of what happened here four years ago.
We dismount outside the old barn, leave the horses’ reins long so that they can munch on the damp grass, knowing they won’t go anywhere. Snowdrop does whatever Kat asks of her, and Daredevil, well, I’m still unsure where this horse came from, unsure if it’s truly connected to the Hessian’s original horse or not, but I know that horse won’t leave my side, whether I want him to or not. I just hope he can behave himself around Kat’s mare, being a stallion and all.
Then again, he might take after me.
I grab Kat’s hand, small and soft against my palm, and lead her into the barn. Just like that night four years ago, I’m nervous. And when I glance down at Kat as she steps into the shadows of the building, I can see she’s nervous too.
“When was the last time you’ve been in here?” I ask her as I walk over to the ladder to the hay loft, clearing cobwebs out of the way.
“Not since…” she says and then doesn’t finish her sentence. She doesn’t need to.
I test my foot on the bottom rung. It’s a little softer than before but should hopefully hold us. I climb up to the top first and then look over the edge, waving for her to follow.
“It’s safe.” I look around the loft. Nothing has changed at all, though parts of it seem rotted directly below the hole in the roof. But there’s still the hay bales we used to sit on, the apple crate with an old tea set. Memories flutter toward me like ghosts, the past coming alive, and once again I feel the shame of that night, the shame that’s led me here and now.
Kat slowly comes up the ladder, and once she’s at the top, I grab her arms and pull her up the rest of the way.
“Wow,” she says, looking around, blowing a loose strand of hair from her face as she sits on her side. “Nothing has changed.”
“We’ve changed,” I tell her.
“And I wonder if it’s for the better or for the worse?” she muses, a darkness coming over her delicate features.
Her question sinks in. Am I any better than I was at eighteen, before I fled into the night, like a coward who had stolen something he had no intention of giving back? Am I better now that I am possessed by the spirit of a bloodthirsty soldier? Am I better now that I know what’s truly at stake and the sacrifices I have to make?
“I guess it depends,” I say, settling down in the hay and patting the space beside me. “Are you better off with your innocence taken?”
She gives me a wry smile and crawls over to me. Her proximity causes me to lean in and breathe in her wildflower scent, the smell of her causing my heart to tighten, my cock to harden. How can I love someone so much and desire her so equally? How can I want to lavish her with tender affection yet want to choke her, spit on her, make her writhe beneath me in total depravity? How can those two halves co-exist together? It’s as if there’s light inside me that corrupts the darkness, leaving me to live in shades of grey.
