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I latch onto that and roll with it. I want her to know I’m solidly with her… in whatever she’s thinking because that’s the best way for us to start over. “We’re two people who weren’t built for all that serious shit and then we floundered when shit got serious.”
“Yes,” she replies effusively. “We were both acting against our inherent natures. We committed to the baby and I don’t regret that, but we went from casual to committed at the speed of light.”
“And we crashed and burned,” I conclude.
I see where she’s going. It’s clear we didn’t have the fortitude to give it a solid go. It didn’t work and we can’t just pick it back up. Without the baby, we’ve got nothing.
But fuck if I’m willing to throw in the towel. “We could go back to friends with benefits.”
Her eyes flare with surprise and for a moment, she looks terrified at the prospect. But her features smooth and she smiles. “We were very good at being fuck buddies.”
“Yes, we were.” I reach out and tuck a lock of hair behind her ear. “I’d say we even excelled at it.” I slip my hand to the side of her neck and give a light squeeze. “So maybe we should just go back to that.”
The words taste like ashes on my tongue. I don’t want to be fuck buddies with her. I don’t want to go backward. I want her to realize how deeply I cared for her when all that went down and that I want to be devoted to her no matter if she’s carrying my child or not.
But Kiera is sealing the deal. Her hand curls around my wrist and she nods. “Okay… we go back to casual sex.”
“But not until after you see Dr. Segal,” I say with faux admonishment.
“Of course,” she replies with a nervous laugh.
I wait for her to say something else. Maybe to invite me to lunch, perhaps ask me to go to Dr. Segal’s or even ask about the road trip.
Instead, she says, “I’ve got a meeting I’ve got to get ready for in a bit. But I’ll call you after I see Dr. Segal.”
My heart fucking bottoms out as my hand falls away from her neck. She really doesn’t want anything from me other than sex. The fact she won’t talk to me until after the day he’ll supposedly give her the go-ahead to fuck me again tells me all I need to know.
But I manage to plaster on the biggest fucking smile as I stand from the table. “Sounds like a plan.”
Kiera scrambles out of her chair and follows me to the door. She opens it and I lean down to give her a quick kiss on her forehead. Her arm starts to reach out for a side hug, but I pretend I don’t see it and step onto the porch.
I risk a glance at her and her eyes are shuttered, revealing no secrets. She holds her hand up in a wave goodbye and I lift my chin before trotting down her steps.
My guts feel like they just got stomped by a giant with steel-toed boots. My heart feels shredded.
The woman I love doesn’t love me back.
CHAPTER 34
Kiera
Iwatch throughthe window as Bain pulls out of the driveway. I stare at the street long after he’s out of sight.
What the fuck just happened?
I had every intention of apologizing to Bain and then proposing that we pick up right where we left off. I had intended to focus on how close we’d gotten over the past few weeks and that we were good together.
And now he’s gone and we’re nothing to each other.
“Fucking idiot,” I seethe at myself as I wring my hands.
I think it was the stupid “house of cards” comment I made. I was trying for a good analogy and I meant to point out something very witty about the cards being flimsy but the foundation they laid upon was solid, and next thing I knew, we were both talking about how fast things moved.
Then it got worse… both Bain and I reminisced about how we are inherently not relationship driven, how good we are at being fuck buddies and boom… we’ve decided to be casual again.
Spinning away from the window, I pinch the bridge of my nose. This is not what I wanted to happen. I wanted to let him know that I adore him and baby or not, I want to make a life with him.
I was ready to tell him that he has every piece of my heart.
