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To that unappetizing soup, I added one more foul ingredient: self-loathing. I should have known not to start a sexual relationship with my boss. It was one thing to fantasize, but another thing entirely to fall into his bed. It was my own fault. I had no one to blame but myself. And yet, I couldn’t help feeling anger towards Nate at the same time.
Why couldn’t he talk to me? What was wrong with his voice and his words that he couldn’t communicate simple concepts to a woman he cared about. I knew he cared about me. I could see it in his eyes and feel it in his touch. But even after we shared the most intimate of kisses, he couldn’t think of a better way to treat me. If I didn’t need the job so much, I would quit. If I had anywhere else to go, I would go. I felt trapped, even more so than I had with Marcus. Nate made me feel like I was less than human, not even worthy of an explanation. I drove back to my apartment to sulk in peace.
Chapter 27
Nate
I was hungover when I got into work on Monday. I spent the weekend in Atlantic City, throwing the dice and trying to have a good time. I thought about bringing one of my many girlfriends, but when the time came to call them, I chickened out.
There was only one woman I really wanted to take, and that was Ava. Aside from her, everyone else would be found lacking. So I went by myself. I stayed in the penthouse suite, and signed myself up as a high roller. Dropping tens of thousands onto the craps tables, I allowed the hotel to wine and dine me.
It felt good to have servants at my beck and call. I woke up in the mornings and went to the buffet. Afterwards, I lounged in the hot tub, chatting up the ladies. I started drinking in the early afternoon, and by night time I was wasted.
My phone beeped, letting me know that Ava was calling. She was outside my place and wanted to come in. I ignored the request. There was too much I wanted to say to her and no way to communicate from the casino. She wouldn’t understand. Hell, I didn’t understand.
I was taking her moving out way too hard and I knew it. She didn’t realize how much she meant to me because I never told her. The solution was obvious. I had to talk to her. But that was the one thing I couldn’t do, so I drowned my sorrows in glass after glass of Scotch.
I dragged myself back to Boston in time for work on Monday. Expecting to see Ava, I promised myself I would tell her everything. I would open my heart and find the words, dammit. I wouldn’t allow excuses to get in the way. But she wasn’t at her desk.
I opened up my computer to check my emails. Instead of a text or a phone call or anything so personal, she sent an email from her work address to mine, explaining that she was sick. She had cc’d HR, letting me know that the communication was an official request for time off and not a personal favor. I hitreply all, and approved her request with a friendly note saying I hoped she felt better.
I got very little work done. Every time I tried, I ended up staring out into space. Peter came to find me, following up on last week’s conversation. He took one look at me and closed the door, as if shielding me from the rest of the world.
“You look like death,” he swore.
“Thanks?” I asked.
“It’s not a compliment. What the hell is going on?”
“I told you, Ava moved out.”
“Talk to her then, tell her how you feel,” he insisted, pulling up a chair.
“I can’t do that,” I sighed.
“Why the hell not?”
“Because it’s just not who I am.”
“Well then change,” he instructed.
“I can’t change.”
“Then you’re doomed to sit here in the dark for the rest of your life.” Peter rose, as if just noticing that the curtains were drawn. He pulled them back dramatically, flooding the office with light.
“Don’t,” I argued weakly.
“Get up man,” Peter urged. “It’s time for action.”
I groaned. I didn’t need this kind of pep talk. I was only interested in wallowing in my own misfortune. I lost a fortune in Atlantic City, and here, back home, I lost the only thing that really mattered to me, Ava’s love.
I was a fool. I should have taken her in my arms way back when Mom offered her a new place. I should have told her that I wanted to stay, asked her if she wanted that too. Instead of standing by and watching her leave, I should have made my desires known. Maybe she was as confused as I was. Maybe she didn’t know her own heart any better than I knew mine. If only I had given her a chance, rather than watching her walk away without putting up a fight. We could have been past all this drama already and on to the next fun thing. But because of my inability to express myself, we were stuck in two different rooms, each wondering what the other was thinking.
I got up, following Peter’s direction. He was right; it was time for action. I sunk low enough on my own, it was time to face the music. One single conversation was all that stood between me and happiness. Surely, I could summon the courage to see it through.
A quick phone call to my mother netted me the address for Ava’s new apartment. I used the pretense that she had called in sick for work and I wanted to make sure she was okay. It was a bit of a fib, but that didn’t matter. There were perks to being a board member’s son. I was determined to confess my feelings, to ask her to come back home with me and stay for a while. I didn’t know what else I could offer, other than my heart. I knew she wasn’t interested in my money, and that she was perfectly capable of taking care of herself. I only hoped I was enough, and that it wasn’t already too late.
Chapter 28
