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“Look, Blake. I respect you, what you do, and how you do it, so I don’t want this to come across as a lack of faith in you. You have come up with great ideas so far, but I don’t believe the mailed samples are the way we’d like to go. I’d like to switch gears and pursue the pop-ups instead. I know we might have to shift the timeline slightly to make it work, and that’s okay. I know Parker doesn’t agree, but the rest of the team isn’t convinced about the samples, and neither am I.”
“Oh…yeah…absolutely!” I swallowed my feelings. “Thank you for being honest with me. I always want you to feel comfortable with our direction, so never be afraid to express your opinion. Feedback is how we learn and grow at the end of the day.”
I had crafted the art of the fake smile more than was healthy in the last few months. My heart was erratic again.
“I knew you’d understand. I love the direction you guys are taking my brand so far. It’s just this one idea I don’t think fits.”
“Thank you. But yeah, I completely understand.”
“I love your mug, by the way,” she gave me a soft smile and walked out.
Even though I considered withdrawing my idea from her, she had beaten me to it. Making the decision had been harder than expected. I should have been honest that this plan was not my best idea, but I didn’t want that to reflect poorly on Parker’s defense of me either.
I sat back on my chair, finding my hands clammy and harder to breathe. My ideas had never been shut down by a client before. It wasn’t that I didn’t have bad ideas – I had plenty of them – but they usually didn’t make it past a fleeting thought or my team’s feedback. I kept my emotions isolated from my job and always tried to be objective, but my feelings had gone haywire in the last few months. I was struggling to keep everything separate.
I couldn’t be on the verge of another panic attack at work. I had to get outside.
I rushed out of my office and told Lainee I would return in a few minutes. I was sure I just needed a breath of fresh air to get my thoughts together, tell Erik we were changing direction, and get on with my day. I ran my hand through my hair and pushed it back, leaning against the cold metal of the back of the elevator. My eyes closed, and I took deep breaths, mimicking what Nathaniel had taught me to do.
“Blake?” Parker’s concerned voice traveled down the hall as he walked out of the restroom. The metal doors of the elevator shut in front of me.
Once on the ground floor, I hurried outside. All I needed was air. All I needed was some sunlight, and I would be okay. Nathaniel was getting some muffins from Gabby’s with Erik, so I had to walk this myself. I could do it. I could do it alone.
I paced in front of the building before sitting on the edge of the stairs. I pressed my back against one of the pillars of the building. It was hot from the sun and the warm weather. I looked up at the blue sky to calm me. The peaceful blue helped steady my breathing. I watched the clouds move. The last few months of dealing with a jumble of emotions had made me soft.
“Blake!” Parker called after me.
I stood up and tried to walk away. I didn’t want him to see me like this anymore. I had cried in front of him enough times, but he didn’t know about this side of me. He caught up to me, wrapped his hand around my wrist, and pulled me into him. I almost slammed against his chest.
“I just need a minute, Parker. Please!” my jagged breathing was getting more erratic.
“Hey, hey,” he said. I shoved my hands against his chest, and he let me step back from him but did not let go of my wrist. “Blake, what’s wrong?”
“Nothing. Nothing.”
“Blake, you’re about to cry.”
“I’m fine…I’ll be fine. I’m just…I’m…” I didn’t even know how to explain it to him. My breath was labored.
“Princess,” he whispered. “You’re not fine. Come on, it’s just me and you. Tell me what’s wrong.”
“I’m having a panic attack, okay?!” I hit the side of my hand against his chest, trying to push him further away, but he wasn’t letting me go. The knot in my throat grew, and I couldn’t stop the tears from flowing.
“A panic attack?”
“Yeah, I have those…sometimes…more often recently. Nathaniel is really good at…helping me stop them…before they progress…but he’s at Gabby’s getting food. I’m not…so good at it…I just need to…breathe…”
“Okay, okay. Hey, let’s breathe together.”
He led me over to a bench, holding tightly to me. He sat next to me, his body angled toward me. One arm was draped behind me on the back of the bench, the other hand on my knee. His thumb caressed me as I breathed and stopped the spiral.
“Okay…okay…” I caught my breath. “I’m fine. I shouldn’t run a mile for the next few hours, but I’m fine.”
I stood up, intending to go back upstairs. He followed me as we walked back toward the building.
“What happened? Like what caused it?”
“Amelia backtracked on my idea, but don’t worry, it’s not a big deal. It wasn’t a good idea anyway. I’ve had an… interesting… three months, so I’ve had a harder time than usual regulating my emotions.”
