Page 100 of Poems He Wrote

My lungs hurt as I breathe in, snot splotching out of my nose. I feel the hurt I’ve caused, he deserved so much more from me. He had the right to know. The guilt is eating me from inside out. It burns its way through my insides, making my skin blister.

Oh, how I regret doing what I’ve done.

‘I couldn’t look at you for longer, knowing that seeing your face for just another second would make me fold and bottle my sadness back up, just so I could take your pain away. I never wanted you to hurt…

But, you... You put that pain there. In both of us.

I couldn’t kiss you just one more time, for I know your lips would coerce mine into staying. They do that. Enchant me. Put a spell on me. They do it so well, and it all started that night years ago. I only now remember how they lured me in.

You little minx, you knew so well the power they hold over me. I am forever their servant, and I am not afraid to admit it. They haunt me in my dreams, and ruin me when I’m awake.

I carry your mark on me like a proud man. I look at it every day. I look at it, and it makes me burn on the inside with all the rage I felt for not finding you, and at the same time, it cools me down with memories of having you under me and on top of me over, and over again.

And as much as I carry yours, you carry MY mark with you. My language. My word. My love. All mine.

Is it love to you, I wonder? To me it is.

Not many people get to live through, and experience, a love this strong and beautiful. And it truly was, even if it was just a game of charades to you. I don’t care. I truly don’t, because for just a moment, I was the main character in your play, and because of it, for a little while, moja ljubavi, I knew what it was like to belong to you. Knowing the pain it brought, I would do it all over again. It’s worth it.

I hope you are eating well. Even though I can’t let myself be there and help through it, it’s important to me. I don’t want to be another reason on the list of why you hate who and what you are. I want to be a part of you and your past that makes you feel warm, that makes you smile, that makes you love the life you have, and swell with pride for the woman that you are. At least only because you made my world feel warmer and have brighter colors for a little while.

I write this to you as a thank you, even though you are a thief. A thief of hearts, a thief of love, a thief of poems. That night you stole the only thing I ever truly cared about, besides my family. You took them. You took my vent, my way to survive. You stole them when you’ve woven my hair into braids, and then closed the door between us, carrying a secret into the days waiting for you. You kept them safe, wherever it was that you hid them, and that’s what I’m most thankful for. They were ready to burst the moment you stabbed that secret right back through my heart. And I was there, standing with my arms open, ready to take them back in.

I don’t regret much in this life, except for the fact that I never asked why and how did you manage to appear in my life again, after two years, at a family gathering. It would’ve made so much sense, but I… I was just happy to have you again, as a friend, as family. I didn’t really care what I was supposed to see you as, all that mattered was that you were close. I should’ve asked. It would’ve spared us both so much pain.

This is an apology, a thank you note and a goodbye. For now.

I hope you give me time. As much of it as I need to heal, but I would never ask you to wait for me, it wouldn’t be fair. I don’t want you to lose any more time, and I can’t promise that I’ll be back at all.

So maybe, in a few years, or decades or in another life you’ll find me, or I’ll find you, and we’ll share our lives the way we were supposed to.

I apologize for not being brave enough to hear you out.

I am forever grateful to you for giving my stolen words back.

I hope you have it in you to forgive me too.

To forgive me for never being able to stop wanting you, loving you or needing you, yet still staying away.

I will never not be yours. You have scarred me for life.I love you, my deepest wound, and I am giving you a part of me you loved the most and a part of me you never met.

Yours, Noah

I crash and burn as I press the paper to my chest, the words on it almost intangible, diluted by my tears to a point where everything looks like a big clump of blue. I can’t breathe in, I can’t breathe out. My mind and body are stuck somewhere in between shock and horror, and it refuses to move from there. It’s all too real, all too true, all too my fault. I feel like my whole body is an open wound and I’ve just gotten dunked into a tub of rubbing alcohol spiced with rock salt. My skin screams, my lungs rage, and I keep drowning in my own tears.

It hurts, but I would read it a thousand times over, just to feel him close. He gave me more than I could ever ask for. He was the first to ever show me what it means to be loved, and now…we’ve come to this. I’ve pushed us into this.

Does this mean I lost him?

I can’t stop replaying our moments in my head. It’s like a movie plays out behind my eyelids. All the smiles and kisses, all the touches and whispers, everything we have shared. My whole life I have been looking for this, but I managed to throw it all away.

“My Noah…” I rasp. My throat is raw with emotion as my vocal chords try their best to keep the screams at bay.

My worst nightmare is slowly becoming real. I called it. I invited it in every time the guilt was eating at me so much that I’ve dreamt of it.

My heart beats so fast it creates a fog in my head, and the room around me seems to be spinning in circles. The drumming in my ears is more than deafening, and I don’t know if it’s the sound of my heart, or the world around me collapsing. There is so much grief in me as I let the letter fall to the floor and shove my fingers in the thick carpet beneath me, trying to ground myself.

He said it was a goodbye, maybe for now, maybe forever. He said we could have had it all, or we may…in one of our next set of lives. Or maybe in this one too, after he heals. If he ever heals. After I gain his trust again and prove to him that I deserve to look him in the eye.

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