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You said you cried rivers, drowning in tears
But I feel the quilt of our time together
I didn’t notice your eyes full of fears
That would consume our now and forever
You said you wanted my hair in your fingers
But I was the one with tangled hands,
The shape of your soul in them still lingers
Refusing to forget what my heart demands
I repeat the words in my head, remembering the nights I barely kept myself stable due to the guilt eating at me. I almost forgot what it was like to have no burden on your chest. Almost. I still feel a ghost of it lingering, and it’s because I didn’t get rid of it myself. Corey did it for me.
I don’t know if the thing I’m feeling is devastation or surrender. My mind is stretched between the two of those. Noah is right. I promised way too much, building this whole relationship on a lie. We were lovers dancing on a paper-thin glass floor, waiting for it to crack and drown us in the river beneath. And only one of us knew.
‘You said my heart wasn’t yours to take, but I was the one ready to give it…’ A tear rolls down my cheek as I read the poem once again, making all of my walls crumble into nothingness. I don’t deserve to have these walls up. If I want the future to bring him back to me, I need to be naked, all my defenses down.
As I scramble to pick all of the papers from all around me, I reach for the envelope. Folding the pages neatly, I try to push them back in, but for some reason, the bundle won’t fit back inside. I set them aside, and take a peek inside.
Bile rises up in my throat, making it hard for me to breathe in. I am struck mid-breath. I push my hand in, squeezing tightly.
‘The thing you loved the most about me…’
No. No. No. No. Please!
A gurgled sound escapes my tight throat in place of a scream. My whole body shakes. The walls seem to be closing in on me.
He cut his hair…because of me.
I watch a long, black braid as it dangles from my open palm. A knife in my heart keeps twisting and twisting, as the thick rope of hair keeps swinging back and forth. I can’t take it.
I need to see him. I need to see…
I drop everything on the coffee table, putting my feet in my shoes and running towards the door. I stuff my phone in my pocket as I put the keys in the lock. It would be an understatement to say that I tripped a few times running down the stairs with the memories of my fingers intertwined with his hair crashing into my mind. The door slams behind me as I run out into the sleet, desperate to see what I’ve done to the only person I never wanted to hurt.
***
I crash into Noah's locked door almost completely breathless and utterly soaked through. I pound my fists on the wooden surface, hoping to either wake him up, and his whole building along the way, at almost one in the morning, or punch a hole big enough to let myself in. The thing I feel is not anger at him, I have no right to it, I am angry at myself. I let this happen. I caused this.
I hit the door again and again, my fists turning bright red, but the adrenaline doesn’t let me feel any pain.
“Noah! Open up!” I yell. “Noah, please! I need to see you!”
I bang my forehead on the cold surface, the chill of it soothing me.
“Noah, please! I need to apologize. Please, let me!” My cries fall, and silence welcomes them.
I rap my knuckles against the entrance over and over again, repeating myself countless times. He refuses to open. He doesn’t want to see me.
“Excuse me?” An old woman’s voice snaps me out of my thoughts.
“I am so sorry for yelling, I just… I need to see him.”
“Oh, I didn’t sleep anyway. What I’ve wanted to say is that he isn’t home. Yet. He left this morning, I spent the whole day knitting by the window, he never came back.”
