Page 109 of Poems He Wrote

He smiles gently, and walks inside, leaving me alone with my thoughts in the empty hall.

I walk straight down, ending up in front of a rumbling, beat-up coffee machine, and I decide to risk my gut health and buy a cup of hospital brew. I also get a bag of chips and sit next to the vending machine, snacking on it. As I expected the coffee tastes like ass, but oh well, it is what it is.

I watch the people all around me as they hear good or bad news, and it’s kind of painful to see so much happiness and so much grief all at once, at such a small place. It makes me wonder if these people feel jealousy, envy, anger…does the ‘why them and not us’ ever cross their minds?

An hour or so passes, and I can’t say I feel relaxed not being next to Noah. I need to know he is okay. This fear in my brain and my whole body won’t go away overnight. I am actually not sure it will ever go away. He almost died in my arms, how am I supposed to feel?

As I throw away the empty chips bag and almost half of my, now ice cold, coffee, I see Jensen walk towards me. He is wearing this look on his face, like something has happened but he doesn’t know if it’s good or bad. A small smile graces his face as he nears me and throws one hand around my shoulder.

“Someone wants to talk to you!” he says.

“What? Why? Who? What happened?”

“Pardon me. Someone who just woke up wants to talk to you.”

And even before the last word leaves his mouth, I am already running towards the room. Tiana and Marko stand next to the door, with huge smiles on their faces as I pass them. As soon as I walk in, they close the door behind me.

I reach the end of the bed, standing at Noah’s feet as he looks into the darkness out of the window. My chin wobbles and my heart is beating out of my chest. My hand itches to touch him, yearning for the familiarity of his closeness.

He turns to me, his eyes tired and red. His face looks completely different without his gorgeous black hair, but he is beautiful nonetheless. He coughs, lifting his palm from his stomach and tapping the place on the mattress beside him.

I quickly rush over, leaning my behind on the place he just tapped. I feel tears sting in the back of my eyes, and a lump form in my jugular.

“You smell like cherries,” he whispers softly, placing his hand on my thigh and I wince at the touch. His fingers are so cold. “I missed that smell so much.”

I want to say something, but my guilt won’t let me.

“Please come a little closer.” I move up a bit, fulfilling his wish and leaning forward.

His other hand finds my cheek, his thumb caressing my chin, lifting it up so our eyes could meet. I swallow, trying to hold back my tears.

“I’m so sorry!” I cry out, as tears start rolling through my eyelashes.

“I forgive you,” Noah says, and it takes me a moment to register. “I forgive you, Ronan. I missed you so badly, Ljubavi.”

His warm voice coats my ears and sends a wave of tingles down my spine as my lashes become clumped together. He wipes under my eyes with his thumb, and brings it back to his mouth, wrapping his lips around it, just like he did the last time we saw each other.

A tiny smile graces his face.

“Come home to me.” He looks into my eyes, lifting his eyebrows. “I can’t go another day without you.”

A sob leaves my chest and I fall into him, crying into his shoulder and hugging him tightly. He grunts the moment I collide my body with his and I try to move back, but his hands prevent me. He squeezes them tightly around my middle, holding me in place.

“Don’t worry about it. I would gladly have all of my ribs broken just so I could hold you again.”

I can’t help the giggle that escapes. I breathe in the scent of his skin, and my lungs hurt from how big of breaths I’m taking.

“Volim te,” I murmur.

“I love you more. I thought you’d never love me without my hair,” he laughs and winces at the pain.

“I have it now, I’ll keep it safe. I am so sorry I hurt you, Noah. I should’ve tried harder to explain. I should’ve fought harder for us.” I search his eyes for a single trace of regret for letting me wrap him in my arms, but all I find is adoration.

“You did what you had to do to protect you. I understand that now. I did that too.”

“Is that why you cut your hair?” I lift my face up to look up at him.

“I cut it because I couldn’t bear looking at it, and always seeing you there, but not being able to feel you.”

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