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I write a line. I scratch over it. I write another, but it’s even worse than the first one. Frustration is burning through me. Ripping the page off, I think of the way she tastes, of the way her skin glistens in the moonlight, of the way her laughter fills up the room.
I have all the words and emotions in my head, all jumbled together, but my hands refuse to untangle them and pour them onto the paper. I am good for nothing. Whenever I want to write, something is not right. Something is missing. I feel like a puzzle, everything aligns, but the little piece in the center of me is lost.
Fuck.
The kitten still sleeps soundly on my lap, completely unaffected by my anger and disappointment. I can’t get up now and wake the poor thing up.
The clock on the wall above the desk alerts me that it’s five in the afternoon. I roll my eyes, realizing how much time has passed since I abandoned the vacuum cleaner in the middle of the living room. Almost four hours. I sat at this stupid desk for four hours, doing nothing.
Okay, not exactly nothing. I was torturing myself. I am so good at it lately.And lately lasts a bit more than two years.
I just need to find a way for three more hours to pass as quickly as possible. Three long hours until Ronan comes home to us.
To us. Home.Home to us.
I am so gone.
The phone rings in my pocket, scaring the everloving hell out of Toma. She screams bloody murder as she’s running away from me, slipping and sliding all over the wooden floor. In panic, I don’t even look at the caller ID.
“Hello?”
“NOAAAHHH!!!” Ronan screams from the other side of the line. “Noah, listen! Mats just called me.”
“Okay, she called, why?” A whiff of jealousy teases my senses. Why did she call Ronan whenI’mher best friend?
“You remember how she and I bonded over that one band when we met?” Ronan asks, her voice dripping with excitement. “Well, they are coming HERE!!!Seek The Vengeanceis playing here tonight! Noah we have to go! I have to see them live!”
“How about you take a breath first?” I laugh.
“Pleaseeeee!” She whines at me, as if I would decline her invitation.
“Is Mats going, too?”
“Of course! It’s her favorite band, and I bet it’s because of the singer. That woman is a goddess.”
“It is because of their singer. Okay, I will go too. Where is it though?”
“It’s atThe Silos. And all of the money they get from the tickets goes into charity,” she squeals, and I can’t stop my lips from forming a wide smile.
“When, woman?” I pretend I’m irritated.
“Oh! Yes! It’s at nine. But I swear I’ll be ready by eight thirty, I am just about to leave the shelter. Pick me up from my place then. And we are taking a walk there! I want to drink.”
“Okay! I love you…r enthusiasm! See you later, bye!”
WHAT THE FUCK, NOAH! Get your shit together!
“I know you do! Bye, baby!” she chirps and it makes my whole stomach flutter.
The line goes silent immediately. I don’t know why she loves hanging up so rapidly. What if I had something more to say?
I quickly call Matilda to berate her fornotcalling me, but also to thank her for calling Ronan. I know she likes Mats and wants to be friends with her, but doesn’t know how to take that step. She is a little clumsy friend-wise. I love seeing them get along. Matilda is my oldest friend, and Ronan is the woman I love, which my devil’s spawn of a bestie berates me for. Let me rephrase that, for not telling Ronan yet. I hang up the call in the middle of her sentence just to see what it’s like.
Hm, Ronan definitely knows why she’s doing this. It feels amazing. I will make it a habit too. It reminds me of when we had those small flip-phones and we theatrically ended the calls every single time.
Putting my phone to charge back up, I think about tonight’s future event.The Silosmeans all black, which I have no issue with, obviously, but it also means a lot of emo teens. Should I go back to my roots? I mean, why not!?
Three hours of getting ready for a black metal concert, here I come!
