Page 88 of Poems He Wrote

“You can come live with me, move with me,” I cry.

“No, baby. You need to be on your own. This is your first time leaving actually.”

“I know. It hurts,” I say, stepping away from him, reaching the car door handle. My watery eyes roam over him, as if it’s the last time I get to see him. I let a deep breath out, the moment I put my hands on the wheel, but it feels more like a sob.

“I am just a phone call away. Okay?” He wipes my tears with his thumb, pushing his hand through the open window.

“I know. I love you,” I whisper, putting the key into ignition.

“I love you, too, Rory,” he says the nickname my dad gave me, and my heart roars with pain.

Patting the roof of my car, he turns around and walks into the house, his shoulders shaking.

***

I drive slowly through the streets of my newly found home. I can do this. I am a big girl. My mind swarms with the thoughts of accidentally bumping into my mother at the grocery store, and I shiver. What if Noah comes to visit them, and I bump into him instead? I honestly don’t know what sounds worse.

Parking in front of my new apartment, I feel sudden calmness. No matter what happens, I will figure it out. I will try my best with mom, I will sort things out with Noah. I will apologize and tell him everything that’s happened in the last two years. He will understand. I know he will. And in front of the others, I will pretend I never saw him before. I need to do it this way, for Marko. He seems like a good man, he is the one who raised Noah, after all. I will put myself first some other time.

33

Just Pretend - Bad Omens

Noah

I am numb. My whole body feels likenothing. Do I even have it anymore, or did it turn into a bunch of dust and fly off with the wind into the night. I want to speak. I truly want to, but the lump in my throat is threatening to suffocate me if I open my mouth.

The air in my lungs feels heavy, like it was somehow drenched in gasoline. I feel my jaw click and my lower lip tremble, but there is nothing I can do to stop this feeling from spreading from my brain to my heart. I am drowning in it.

Is this what betrayal feels like?

Is this even betrayal?

It can’t be. There is something more. My head feels like it’s underwater. I hear Ronan’s cries, I hear Corey trying to talk her down, but I can’t make out the words. They are too far from me to understand, or I’m way too deep. I feel the waves of it crashing into me.

Sadness.

I longed for her. For two fucking years I searched for her. Why? Why did she hide it from me? I would’ve understood. She should’ve told me.

The image blurs before my eyes. They are burning. With anger or with disappointment, I am not sure yet. Ronan steps up to Corey, twisting her fists into his shirt as he’s holding his temples with both of his hands. I know she is still yelling because I can see the veins on her neck throb, but he isn’t. He looks like he is on the verge of tears.

They are fighting.

Over me.

I don’t want that.

I want to stop them so badly, but I cannot move for the life of me. Maybe if I just close my eyes for a moment, if I focus a bit harder, maybe I could push the lump down.

Isn’t life funny? How one of your biggest flames dies in a matter of seconds. Someone must be looking down on us and having a good laugh. If God exists, he is a cruel one.

“Noah?” A hand shakes me, holding my shoulder.

“Hm?” I look up, Corey’s bloodshot eyes looking back at me.

“I am so sorry, man,” he chokes out. “I thought you knew.”

“Why the fuck would you even talk about it?” Ronan cries from behind him, anger coating her every word.

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