AllFreeNovel
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“Same mostly.” Evan doesn’t know much about my hopes and dreams for the future, let alone the fact I’m setting up a charity, because our conversation usually dries up pretty quickly, hence why ‘benefits’ work best for us. I haven’t shared much with him because he doesn’t always ask, and when he does, I don’t feel like sharing, which is probably why things have stayed so casual between us.
We order our food; the tiny portioned pretentious kind that makes me roll my eyes, and Evan tells me about his grandma’s ninetieth birthday party that his parents are throwing for her. My interest mostly stays fixed on him. He’s handsome and easy to look at with his clean cut face, big brown eyes and dirty blonde hair. He could rival most Abercrombie models with his sculpted physique and he’s a great catch,so why the fuck am I not feeling it?
“So, I wondered if you wanted to come with me?” he asks, eyes full of hope. I’d zoned out for a second, staring at him but not completely listening, and I’m not sure what he’s asking me to do with him.
“Come with you to…” I trail off, hoping it comes off as charming and not me being rude.
He smiles lightly at me. “I’m gonna pretend you were listening and not staring at my smoking hot body, but I’ll forgive you either way.” He winks all too arrogantly. “Come with me to my grandma’s birthday party?”
When I hesitate, he rubs the back of his neck.
“I… um, when is it again?” I ask, squinting my eyes.
“It’s in two weeks’ time. The last Saturday in September.”
Shit, that’s the night of the charity event that he knows nothing about. “Ah… I’m sorry, Ev. I can’t. I have a work thing that night.”
The noise of the restaurant, glasses clinking, waiters shuffling echoes in the awkwardness between us.
His shoulders slump slightly before he recovers, rolling them back and nodding at me. “I get it. It’s fine. I just… I want to move things forward with us, Jessica and I want you to meet my family.”
Woah, hang on a second.
He wants to move things forward. What is there to move when you’re just fucking?
My eyes frantically flick around the room, trying to figure out the nearest exit. My pulse flickers wildly when I feel him assessing my reaction. My mouth forms shapes to speak, but nothing comes out. I’m so confused, I thought we were on the same page here.
“Evan, I… we… this…” My brows are in a permanent crease as I try and figure out where this has come from and how I can diffuse the situation. “Look, I know we’ve been… seeing each other for a few months but we haven’t talked about being exclusive or meeting families. I’m not sure that I’m ready.”Or that I ever will be, but I don’t add that in, salt in the wound and all that.
Evan looks at me cautiously, trying to read what I’m too chicken to say.
“Okay, are you saying we can’t have that conversation, or that you aren’t interested in having it at all?” His biceps bulge against his formal shirt as he crosses them over his chest, narrowing his gaze again.
He holds my stare, eyebrows raised, waiting for me to speak, as I struggle to look at him. Forcing myself to say the words because I neverwantedto hurt him and now, I feel like that’s a real possibility, I feel shitty about it.
“I thought we were having fun. Meeting your family, that’s… that’s huge, Evan,” I admit shyly. I thought webothknew this was fun and casual. I consider the last few months and wonder if I’ve just spent the whole time misjudging what this was, but I know that isn’t the case.
I mean, I don’t even know where his office is, let alone his parents’ names or quite literally anything other than he is a lawyer and his name is Evan Thompson, who lives in Chelsea. God, that makes me feel even shittier. Was he feeling things I wasn’t? I can’t take responsibility for that, but I could’ve paid more attention, noticed and put a stop to it before it came to this.
Evan exhales an unamused sound. “Fun… right. Of course, that’s what this is. You know, I really like you, right, Jess?”
I try and keep my face neutral. The fact that I’ve possibly missed any signals from him baffles me, but more than that, I genuinely feel like this is not what we agreed this was.
“I like you too, but…”
“Please don’t. It’s fine, let’s just finish our dinner.” He waves his hand dismissively, not wanting me to carry on, so I don’t.
I nod my head and stare down at my plate, suddenly not feeling so hungry, not that there is much on my plate anyway. I worry my bottom lip, thinking that this is entirely my fault for leading on this great, hot guy and I wish it could be different. But he deserves someone who can’t stop thinking about him, not someone who ghosts him.
When we say goodbye, he hugs and kisses me. “You know where I am if you ever change your mind, Jess,” he says, smiling. My hands grip his arms in a silent apology, but we both know that this is it for us.
When I turn and leave to head to the tube station, I don’t look back.
13
Jessica
Remembertotakeitall in. Breathe, and think about how much you’ve achieved.
